Anniversary of nothing

So that's it. Today's my day, and no one else's, its not supposed to be that way. I miss her, I want a good night kiss, I want someone to just hold, I want the one person I can think about however I want. I want someone I can count on to be 1st. But who am I kidding, those are things I can offer, and some day some of them I'll receive, and maybe just maybe for a short time I'll see all of them at the same time. . . again. But I shouldn't depend on it. Thats what lifes about, learning from your mistakes. And she's making it really obvious that I made one, everytime I try to be nice its just another fight. Every time I have to compromise further, I'm not sure there's much more to lose.

She's already managed to twist my passionate love into something less pleasant, I wouldn't say its not love, but it's definitely twisted. I've pretty much given up on thinking we can have a healthy relationship ever again, at least not with out her doing something drastic. I scar easy, and don't ever fully recover, its something I take pride in. . . I call it adaptability in all things I do. But most people probably don't see it in the same light.

It's interesting how many different opinions I can get, how much so many of them can disagree, but not one person said get back together. I find it frustrating to just give up, and its not that I don't have a choice, or that I"m not willing to work through it, I'm just not sure I want to do that to her. (In the back of my head there's also this voice whispering she's not worth it, I know its just an angry voice, and its a defensive voice, but still it has its sway when I'm lacking any support). But I guess that's the point, there's a reason I have no support, because its the wrong move, the wrong decision.

I don't really care, I mean I do, its just not all important any more. I just don't like having promises broken, and I hate breaking promises more, but I made to many, and was reliant on things going a certain way for them all to be possible. I really thought that when she said those things she meant them, I thought when she said she was sure she loved me more, that she may have been right, but I know now she may have been more infatuated with me, and she may have loved me, but not more than I love her.
I wish I understood, why when I was down she'ld scoot down to my level, move her lips 2 and a 1/2 inches from my face, and then whisper in this one voice: "Scott, you do know I love you right" or what the point of telling me on the day she broke up with me, "Scott remember I will always love you" I wonder if there was a reason she said my name first to make it more personal, so she could believe it better, maybe there isn't a reason.
Maybe its all true, maybe she didn't have to lie to herself, but to go from loving someone to a month later breaking up with them. . .just seems off.

I have a jobish interview tomorrow, and I'm finally getting something done. I made a list of all my aim buddies I want to talk to enough not to delete, but that I can't because Diedre has banned me. . . of course its not entirely accurate because Charlotte's on that list and shes been one of my life lines as of late, probably my biggest one.

I'm sort of a disgusting pile of me, . . . I'm not going into why and everyone's going to deny it, but whatever.
Today I get to be miserable because it is MY ANNIVERSARY and no one else's, Diedre ditched it, so she has no excuse to whine, cry, or be sad today. She probably will, she probably won't let me know, and I really don't give a fuck, I wish she would be honest with me, but I know thats asking for to much.
I mean really really I gave up on her as gf, I gave up on her as a best friend, I gave up on her as a friend and now I'm giving up on her as honesty, I expect more from my enemies, . . . ok I haven't entirely given up on her as a friend, but the friends I didn't talk to for years, I'm fairly confident I will always be closer to than what shes made of herself, that hurts, a lot. She had nearly a quarter of my life and now. . . that means nothing, I had a ring, I had everything planned out, and I let her change the plans over and over again, and now, now, I let her win again.
It's funny, but nvm

Humans are funny creatures. . . everyone feels like they have rights to everything and like I should do what makes me happy for me, I could go into but I'll have a post in my other blog for that, it shouldn't be to hard to find. I'm curious if she ever wears my jewelery any more, or if she ever thinks about me, because I supposebly haven't given her enough time for that. I wonder if she cares at all, because to all those things I have to think yes, but then its like am I just being an obsessed stalkerish narcicst, and I know the answers yes. It's why I have to work to not do anything beyond my counter, its . . . nvm.

Ok I'm tired. I'm angry, I'm pitying myself. . . which also happens to be wrong, i'm a little bit hungry, and I want someone to make it better, but its not gonna happen any time soon, no one else is going to jump into my arms, or ask me why they can't be with me, I got lucky once, maybe with all this equality . . . no thats rediculous if I don't man up and try I will be alone, but I just don't and never have seen a reason to try, so all of my whining is meaningless and I will head to "bed" again the way I always will and the way I always should have.
Good night world.
May everyone receive the best
May everyone receive what they deserve
May everyone receive happiness
May the best be what everyone deserves
May the best be for everyone to be happy and
May everyone deserve to be happy
Amen
I love you
I love you more
That's what you think
That's what I know
If you say so

depressed >>

blehh so now I"m getting something done daily, not the right goals not in the right order, not even my list to nail down an order, but I"m getting stuff done, so thats improvement. On top of that I'm feeling better I call that progress, the scary part that progress is also lined with an increase number of suicidal thoughts, realizations I am now defined by loser (with a few extra friends), bascially I'm showing more signs of depression now. . . so I've improved to the point of psychological disorder, what does that say I was at.
On top of that, my parents are tired of me being depressed, I had 1.5 weeks to be depressed after that they got irritated with me, why I'm not sleeping in my rooms, why I leave my stuff in a pile, why I don't answer the house phone. . . fast enough, etc.
Although when they make mistakes and need help they still keep calling on me, to go shopping when they call in sick so can't walk into the store, or when they need me to take David to school, or whatever else.
My morning:
woke up 8:15 wanted more sleep decided I'ld settle for 15 min mom decided we had to go shopping now and there was no time to sleep in, so I showered did everything, got back and she was sudoking till I fell asleep I woke up she was asleep, said her name decided to use as excuse to get more sleep woke up yelled her name a bunch was like wow and went back to sleep, woke up again yelled at her until she got up. We left in a hurry, was planning to head into this party store with me but 2 feet from a parking spot she said let me out, so I let her out and waited for her, since Ithought thats why I dropped her off. I got chewed out lots of yelling, in the end I was getting yelled at because she was calling herself stupid, and I got blamed for her spending 65 bucks. Then I got back
Went to use my GPS to meet a friend i learned lives near me, and it won't turn on , . . 2nd time I need it since I got it, I've had it 2 months, I replugged it in. . . it won't turn on. Something is having fun screwing with me. Had some fun with Azima, got a talk about just doing what I want to do, and made her feel better about still being an undergrad.

Then talked to Liz and realize she gets more excited about her boy every day then I think Diedre in 5 years ever did about me, its just sort of depressing. and sort of reminds me of a puppy, but thats beside the point. I also got all political (military) on her today. She's really good at fixing my head.

So Chris does this >.> thing which I always sort of thought looks likes a girls top half with a mole. (or really high belly button) I can't take that as a face after the first time noticing it. Char on the other hand uses >>, which I joked looked like a thin and perky top, she then some how had me blushing and taking cover under my blanket so as not to blush in front of family, then I realized it probably looked like I was doing other stuff under my blanket with my laptop. So had to try and find a balance of shielding my face but not under blanket.
OK so now I just need quotes.
"My professor just wrote parallel on the bored, but he wrote pararrel. Guess what nationality he is?"
"I'm skinny and perky >>" Char
"You can please all of the people some of the time, you can please some of the people all of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time" Char quoting someone
"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves. "
Abraham Lincoln
Hold on with a bulldog grip, and chew and choke as much as possible.
Abraham Lincoln

friends

It's weird when you think your friends are random through out time then when you go back to talk to them, they are all monotonous in the best way possible. Yes I did just call all of you montonous, apparently as much as I think my friends find me, and maybe its that set of traits that find me, somehow I always pick friends that have certain qualities, that I still value, and still help me stay a float. I mean there's variety mixing them up is difficult and when I look at them together I think it must be random, but when a specific instance arises, they respond in ways I wouldn't expect most of humanity if any of humanity to respond to a situation.

They all seem to care about life, beyond just humanity (even the ones that pretend not to) they all have an ability to be honest, they all. . . well I could keep going and I'm sure I have some friend that ignores a piece of each of the traits, but for the most part they all follow them to a "t" or is it a "T".

I had a good note today Burks finally was ok with something I did, and sent me a bat project for a Masters program, starting in May I"m confused how that works, when I read the news, I hobbled to the sink and dry puked for 5 minutes
It was awkward and confused me why good news would make me want to puke my guts out and I realize I'm screwed up right now, but why be bothered by it.
I decided it was either my head is just dizzy and confused and doesn't want changes or I'm so paranoid of having another hope destroyed it makes me sick to have hope.

Alright well gonna try and get to sleep for a job that I need to wake up at 5:45 for a job I've been fired from (ok for all of you not fired just let go from). and your quotes lets see I'll start with some song quotes from whichever random song is next
"I don't mind it, I don't mind at all" Pink
"It's like your the swingset and I'm the kid that falls" Pink
"No, I don't believe you" Pink
"I got time, while she got freedom, cuz when a heart breaks it don't break even" Script
"While I'm wide awake she's no problem sleeping" Script
Ok find the song the whole song quote (Breakeven, Script)
"Let me aplogize to begin with" Linkin Park
"trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed" Linkin Park
"between my pride and my promise" Linkin Park
"the only thing thats worse than one is none" Linkin Park
"I miss you" me
"I will always love you" me
"I'm sorry but I still love you" me
"She said she loved me" mental monologue, not what you think

superbowl- - glue

Yeah I realize I sort of coded this one wrong, but I refuse to count the superbowl as a real event. Since Diedre's broken up with me I've drank, gambled, watched sports, worked out, played games, done other stuff I don't think people want to hear (read), I'm I guess what you call more normal now. My tolerance for peoples shit is more average, my life is less productive. . . so yeah yay me I'm now one of the normal despicable human beings.
Not that I dislike Roberts family, but i just could careless about sports and hate the idea of the massive amount of money made from it. Ohh and the Who's singer was a little past his days on that performance thats what i was most optimistic about watching too.

So more quotes in wrong places "let her know you switching sides" more quotes from a friend of a good friend.
I don't get relationships I never think I will, I could put so many contradictory things and I hear so much advice and every person has their own thoughts and rarely do they seem to agree. So of course i take what i want most and put things in the wrong context and hear what I want to hear even though I know its not true. Which probably hurts me more that I just want to have things my way and with 100 disagreeing opinions not one of them seems to be on my side.

I'm seperating into 2 pretty thoroughly distinct sets of thoughts . . . those that are best described by Ginnie's choice in music and those thoughts best described by Roberts. The mornings and evenings are more Robert the days are more Ginnie, it's weird, its awkward, and its frustrating.

I've made decisions that work to appease both sides, but they are directly clashing and eventually must be reconciled. It's not that Robert and Ginnie are telling me such different things either, some of what they say is, actually the reality of kindness and the tone each wants me to take are inverses of each other its sort of funny that way. I also find it funny how insulted Robert and really Kevin was with Diedre, which had nothing to do with me, they understand that. But they really considered Diedre a friend, and she just kind of said fuck you to them. I've never met anyone thats met Diedre and didn't . . . like her. Yet shes so sure its for other reasons.
Uh buh duh, who cares

On another side note, while drunk I struggle to hold 64 controllers but still kick ass with Samus (Smash Brothers) which is sort of awkward.

Sort of getting back, here's some of Robert's songs, I'll star ones I think if you haven't heard you should look up

Oxygen / Willie Mason******
girl/ Sturgess
In between /Linkin Park
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want/ She & Him
In the Darkness/ Dead by Sunrise
Come on Get Higher/ Nathanson
All I Want/ Staind
one foot in front of the other/ Bright eyes*
Already Gone/ Kelly Clarkson
I don't believe you/ Pink
Just breath/ Pearl Jam***
By the Way/ Theory of a Deadman*
Roadside/ Rise Against
Picking up Pieces/ Blue October*
Last to Know/ 3 Days Grace
The Worst Day Since Yesterday/ Flogging Molly**
Ain't No Sunshine/ Ben Harper
Forget her/ Jeff Buckley
Broken/ Lifehouse

Huh (thats a sigh), I do feel like I did get cheated out of a real good bye, and that 2nd chance that everyone else seems to get, but I'm not everyone else and never will be, and never should expect what they get. . . its what got me here to begin with. Thinking. . .

Fuck change of thought. . . I'm really insulted, I like Diedre's friends more than anything else because they make her happy, some of them really seem like awesome people. But to get offended because I said thank you for being a friend and keeping her happy. Because I wasn't insinuating they were doing it as charity work, I was just happy that they made her happy, and god fuck him.

See thats what I'm talking about there is no reason that should bother me I should let it slide, letting it bother me accomplishes nothing, caring about it only allows me to be miserable and if I let it go to far him, and maybe it will keep spreading the misery, but no good can come of it, there is no self improvement. It's logic it makes sense, and I want to say logic failed me but it didn't I just let emotions work with the logic, and thats when it all failed, and for it I will let myself be less logical. . . for a time

I find it almost humorous how many people want me to be myself without being myself, because what they consider me, they want, its not that they don't want me to change, but everyone assumes more nice people is good, and thats what they are saying is still be nice, still vollunteer still be a gentleman, still give up all you have, still let me go first, because who wouldn't want someone like that. If those tendencies became stronger they wouldn't complain.

Rahh so Ginnie vs Robert (not in music but in message)
Ginnie: Scott be ok
Robert: Best for everyone
Ginnie: Your worth more than she is
Robert: You loved her for a reason, because you know yall are both worth respecting
Ginnie: get over it
Robert: Be functional in society
Ginnie: You'll make her wish
Robert: Be kind
Ginnie: Never be cold and hard
Robert: Whatever it takes to get through

Ginnie just wants me to be back (Diedre never let Ginnie know who she was in 5 years)
Robert still thinks like I used to (he has 2 friends, and still loves his gf that cheated on him a year ago)

How come I'm not allowed to try again when I did nothing wrong, because I'm ok with getting hurt. . . heh I used to go by the nickname (in my head) glue, not nearly as friendly as dream.
So I've always been willing to settle for the group, I've always been the friend that makes life work, I always lost so everyone else could win. . . I'ld say it never bothered me, but that would be a lie. Thats why I started with glue, thats why when I came up with the nickname i was nearly in tears.
Why is glue so bad, its not that stuff sticks to me . . . and bounces off you, but I have always looked at resources, and things only hold together, when a horse is sacrificed, because things were always ok, 99.5% of the time, but with 6 people I figured every 200 times or so I should. . . I could get my way, and who could argue, but if I didn't take the shit spot. . . in a sport, in a game, in anything, people would get insulted argue, fight, friends would stop being friends, and it would be too late, because they wouldn't blame me, so I couldn't fix it. After it happenned a few times I realized there was no problem giving up, because it really did make me so happy when others were happy, and I was only jealous because I saw they had and I didn't which was stupid. So I got over it. . . and now I"m me . . . as screwed up as you may think I am, I think I have a better mentality than you do. . . (whoever you happen to be, although I guess I can't assume anyone who ever reads this is of a normal mind set).

So this is pretty long huh, I should probably end this soon,
So I'm a dream. . . because I enter peoples lives, in just a slight way, I appear normally for a second to just disappear, and usually leave maybe a small smile, if they even remember that much. I don't do much I don't change much, I leave tiny little hardly noticeable usually rapidly forgotten impacts, that fade rapidly. Even Diedre is working to make my life as if it had never been, and I shouldn't expect otherwise, in a few weeks, she'll look back with only slight realization of why she dated me for so long, and figure it only worked because it was long distance, and another month or so it won't even be that.
It will be my fault, because I refuse to push people, I refuse to make an impact so afraid of hurting people, with her its so ironic because I got over it. . . too late, and now have to reform it.
Oh well theres more to the dream metaphor but your down to quotes
"I walk this street"
"don't fool yourself, she was heartache from the moment you met her" (first 2 lines from the song thats on, thought it was funny)
"If I seem superhuman I have been Misunderstood" Dream Theater ****
"Waiting In the calm of desolation Wanting to break From this circle of confusion' Dream Theater
"going nowhere" Mad World
"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" Mad World

running out of apologies

So this one might be near the end of my list of apologies,
I don't need much, and I don't need you. I'll admit it would have been nice. I still think, no I'm certain I have the answers for us, for you. Because not even you can think you don't have real issues. So don't call me, for my sake, because "I'm perfect" as I am, if you need a shoulder, I promised I'ld be here, and I will keep to it, but don't think I'm waiting on you, nope just remembering you.
Shortest post??
"She's the one that's full of shit" One of Ginnie's old hs friends.

kah boom

I find it funny, how often things I say are misconstrued. For instance I was IM'ing Diedre and she thought my saying that eventually she should call me, was me wanting her to call me so I could yell at her. When really it would be just to hear a tone of voice beyond emotionless text. It's not what has to be said or what has to be transferred, I can get messages across on AIM.
It's like nicotine addiction you don't just stop you slow down, if you don't bad things happen, the person will fall apart. I put up with it because I do want to let her have time, and space, and her way (which is unrelated to whats good for her), but as useful as it is to her, its not helping me. Everyone has said I need to do stuff for me, and I agree with them, but I still refuse to hurt someone else in my effort to be happy. The problem is that's only a half truth I refuse to hurt an innocent, those who have hurt me. . . I debate on, the list is really small, and no surprise Diedre's on that list. I still don't want to hurt her, but there's a line where I will not give up any more of my self so she can feel better.
I will sit back and let her have her way for a long time longer, but I'm counting lots of things, and I'm watching how much I shake and how angry I get, and how often I can't weigh things because I keep walking away to realize I'm subconciously avoiding a panic attack that I just set off trying to do simple tasks. When those things get to a point, that someone could get hurt (me losing it while driving, finding my buffer to be peaceful to be to small, or anything else) than that will be the end of it. Either I will get a hold of her, one way or another, or I will exist no more. I lie because I don't believe existance is limited to the body, but my body won't be walking.

Yes I realize no one has to do anything, but taking responsibility for actions is important, thats why I'm not driving down to beg Diedre to take me back, thats why I still try and go to bed at 10, thats why . . .I do a lot of what I do. This post for instance I will probably pay for, and I understand that, I can deal with criticism, I can deal with anger, I can deal with a lot of things, thats the good thing about being a grown up. But I don't see this post as irresponsible I see it as log of who I am, how I failed, and a fairly anonymous way for people to check up on me.

I miss a lot of people like Kristin, and Amanda, Sammy, John, Dev, Martin, other Amanda, Kyle, other Kyle, some teachers, and Liz. Ok there's more as I think about it, but I don't want to. Most of those people were a best friend at one time, and the rest, were key people I had a lot of emotional investment in. . . all of them are people I pretty much don't talk to anymore. A few of them I"m trying to hang out with again. . . .kind of gross I just realized its all the girls. . . even if I don't count all the ones as girls. Like the Amanda's. . . are hardly girls the first one when I was younger you prob could have convinced me was a boy and the other one, is just my big and doesn't count. Ok, so I guess I should get to quotes quickly and look a post not entirely about Diedre, you should be impressed, and no that last part was not a hint about diedre. . . at least not conciously.
Quotes and these songs, aren't bad so feel free to listen to them.
"I have a surprise for you"
"A bottle of Jack and the musical"
"No one knows what its like to be the bad man, the sad man, behind blue eyes" The Who
"No one knows whats its like to have these feelings, like I do" The Who
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste" Cold Play

left behind

"Leaving parts of your old life behind, hurts more than I remember" JD from scrubs
I accidentally put something on facebook that I don't remember because I just got a flood of emails from people I haven't talked to in almost a decade to Dr. Burks trying to help, give advice, and actually being nice.
I had a great poetic line dismorning, I wish I could remember it. It started with "It still hurts to wake up" and then something about not being over her.
Ehh Diedre's probably tired about hearing about it, but well if she's reading this thats her own fault.
Today I accomplished nothing. . . again, I'm still a failure, but I'm ok with that. I'm debating on visting old friends, going to the peace corps (kind of surprised of diedre's lack of caring if I went to the military, but whatever), or I don't know.
Just trying to fix things, and its not working. heh my conversation with myself I'ld post but it doesn't really fit into this blog (It was on aim). I talked to Jessie today, that was depressing, demoralizing, but shes happy and doing well. It kind of seems like my head has this impossible idea, that is actually right.

"My life is an open book" and still is if anyone asks . . . Scott
"I'm here to help" for any one that lets me know. . . . . Scott
"I'm sorry" I don't bring much to the table. . . . . . .. . . . Scott
"I am just a dream" . . . .see if you can figure it out . . . Scott

roots

no I'm not referring to the show. Yesterday I had a pleasant surprise, and then when asked how I was just said you don't want to know, she asked if it was a bad day at work and in my effort to say no just burst in to tears. It was frustrating. But onto better news, while they were there, I rembered why I am the way I am, why I love being me, where I came from. I also realized how incredibly distant Diedre was. Really that realization came later, but yeah. It was Ginnie & Amy and her mom. I just realized we all have creepy age things. At the beginning of the year my dad was 52 subtract 20 you get Ginnie's age subtract 10 you get mine. My mom was 50 subtract 20 you get Amy's age subtract 10 you Brandon's. I guess I'm not supposed to give ladies ages, but it was just nice to see someone that cared about me. I used to find it odd that Ginnie always thought of us as brothers, now its nice. Everyone's doing terrible, though but everyone always is, but from looking at them you would never know. Band ya'll should all look up though is the Red Hot Chili Pipers, preferably the new one that played at renfest (Texas) this year. It had me dancing for a very short few happy minutes when they left, before I was lonely again, and couldn't do anything. I learned I can sleep if I avoid my room, I think it confuses my parents, not sure why though.
I also found it funny because as I"m claiming I'm fine on my own, I can't stand being lonely, of course the 2 really are different. I'm lonely now because I hurt and I was so used to being able to always have someone, what made it even more awkward is her presence helps so much that while shes around even while breaking up with me I didn't cry much, but the moment shes gone, well yeah.
I'ld say some other stuff but I don't want to incriminate people, but I will say I'm counting days for an event that won't happen .. . so I can call BS on someone,that has nothing to do with the not incriminating people.
I realize hiding stuff isn't the same as lying, but it pretty much is, and when you are intimately involved it feels a lot like betrayal. Thats at Diedre if anyone might feel self guilted.
So sorry Diedre, but at times your well Diedre. No one still comments on here, I kind wonder what would happen if I started with suicide comments again cuz thats really when I get 90% of my comments.
Well lets see my family would be sad for awhile if the debt vanished they would probably be sad, my parents would get over it and either divorce or be better for it, hard times usually have one of those 2 effects. Brandon would either be devastated, or would be the guy who kept everyone else ok. David would probably break, but not sure if any one could tell, or if it might make him seem more normal, but sad for awhile. Diedre would feel terrible guilt and think she was the whole reason, I used to think she would have trouble getting over it, but I've realized it wouldn't actually last, or at least not a debilitating level for long, she'ld get over it quickly, and within a few years would have a new bf.
Not that I have an issue with that, I mean I had thought several times about writing a will now so as to let Diedre know that when I die, I want her to be happy with someone else.
I gave so much and was willing to give everything, and she just nothing I had was enough, she'll argue with that statement, but if something was enough then what was? Let me know.

I guess this is it
songs seem to be my thoughts I sing depressing songs (I invent lyrics as I go) to Rudolph tunes at work, I have been finding to many that I liked as songs, staring me in the face as my life, and it hurts, especially when I thought right before the event happens man that sucks but I"m not like that.
so for some song quotes (and a good old Churchill):
"When your going through hell keep going" Churchill
"even when your hope is gone, move along move along just to make it through" American Rejects
"How you like me now" Toby Keith
"if found please return to its other half" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-lj93PFPks&feature=related
"be my penguin" (same)
I guess thats it, live well everyone.

P.S. Kristin broke up with me on the 29th which means I am one of the 365 people who have their first 2 relationships end on the same day. Of course maybe thats not the odds, because maybe its more than just random? It was almost really creepy because the 29th in 05 was a Saturday, instead of a Friday. Although by lunar calendar it would have been the same day although I'm not bothering to look at lunar calendar dates.