superbowl- - glue

Yeah I realize I sort of coded this one wrong, but I refuse to count the superbowl as a real event. Since Diedre's broken up with me I've drank, gambled, watched sports, worked out, played games, done other stuff I don't think people want to hear (read), I'm I guess what you call more normal now. My tolerance for peoples shit is more average, my life is less productive. . . so yeah yay me I'm now one of the normal despicable human beings.
Not that I dislike Roberts family, but i just could careless about sports and hate the idea of the massive amount of money made from it. Ohh and the Who's singer was a little past his days on that performance thats what i was most optimistic about watching too.

So more quotes in wrong places "let her know you switching sides" more quotes from a friend of a good friend.
I don't get relationships I never think I will, I could put so many contradictory things and I hear so much advice and every person has their own thoughts and rarely do they seem to agree. So of course i take what i want most and put things in the wrong context and hear what I want to hear even though I know its not true. Which probably hurts me more that I just want to have things my way and with 100 disagreeing opinions not one of them seems to be on my side.

I'm seperating into 2 pretty thoroughly distinct sets of thoughts . . . those that are best described by Ginnie's choice in music and those thoughts best described by Roberts. The mornings and evenings are more Robert the days are more Ginnie, it's weird, its awkward, and its frustrating.

I've made decisions that work to appease both sides, but they are directly clashing and eventually must be reconciled. It's not that Robert and Ginnie are telling me such different things either, some of what they say is, actually the reality of kindness and the tone each wants me to take are inverses of each other its sort of funny that way. I also find it funny how insulted Robert and really Kevin was with Diedre, which had nothing to do with me, they understand that. But they really considered Diedre a friend, and she just kind of said fuck you to them. I've never met anyone thats met Diedre and didn't . . . like her. Yet shes so sure its for other reasons.
Uh buh duh, who cares

On another side note, while drunk I struggle to hold 64 controllers but still kick ass with Samus (Smash Brothers) which is sort of awkward.

Sort of getting back, here's some of Robert's songs, I'll star ones I think if you haven't heard you should look up

Oxygen / Willie Mason******
girl/ Sturgess
In between /Linkin Park
Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want/ She & Him
In the Darkness/ Dead by Sunrise
Come on Get Higher/ Nathanson
All I Want/ Staind
one foot in front of the other/ Bright eyes*
Already Gone/ Kelly Clarkson
I don't believe you/ Pink
Just breath/ Pearl Jam***
By the Way/ Theory of a Deadman*
Roadside/ Rise Against
Picking up Pieces/ Blue October*
Last to Know/ 3 Days Grace
The Worst Day Since Yesterday/ Flogging Molly**
Ain't No Sunshine/ Ben Harper
Forget her/ Jeff Buckley
Broken/ Lifehouse

Huh (thats a sigh), I do feel like I did get cheated out of a real good bye, and that 2nd chance that everyone else seems to get, but I'm not everyone else and never will be, and never should expect what they get. . . its what got me here to begin with. Thinking. . .

Fuck change of thought. . . I'm really insulted, I like Diedre's friends more than anything else because they make her happy, some of them really seem like awesome people. But to get offended because I said thank you for being a friend and keeping her happy. Because I wasn't insinuating they were doing it as charity work, I was just happy that they made her happy, and god fuck him.

See thats what I'm talking about there is no reason that should bother me I should let it slide, letting it bother me accomplishes nothing, caring about it only allows me to be miserable and if I let it go to far him, and maybe it will keep spreading the misery, but no good can come of it, there is no self improvement. It's logic it makes sense, and I want to say logic failed me but it didn't I just let emotions work with the logic, and thats when it all failed, and for it I will let myself be less logical. . . for a time

I find it almost humorous how many people want me to be myself without being myself, because what they consider me, they want, its not that they don't want me to change, but everyone assumes more nice people is good, and thats what they are saying is still be nice, still vollunteer still be a gentleman, still give up all you have, still let me go first, because who wouldn't want someone like that. If those tendencies became stronger they wouldn't complain.

Rahh so Ginnie vs Robert (not in music but in message)
Ginnie: Scott be ok
Robert: Best for everyone
Ginnie: Your worth more than she is
Robert: You loved her for a reason, because you know yall are both worth respecting
Ginnie: get over it
Robert: Be functional in society
Ginnie: You'll make her wish
Robert: Be kind
Ginnie: Never be cold and hard
Robert: Whatever it takes to get through

Ginnie just wants me to be back (Diedre never let Ginnie know who she was in 5 years)
Robert still thinks like I used to (he has 2 friends, and still loves his gf that cheated on him a year ago)

How come I'm not allowed to try again when I did nothing wrong, because I'm ok with getting hurt. . . heh I used to go by the nickname (in my head) glue, not nearly as friendly as dream.
So I've always been willing to settle for the group, I've always been the friend that makes life work, I always lost so everyone else could win. . . I'ld say it never bothered me, but that would be a lie. Thats why I started with glue, thats why when I came up with the nickname i was nearly in tears.
Why is glue so bad, its not that stuff sticks to me . . . and bounces off you, but I have always looked at resources, and things only hold together, when a horse is sacrificed, because things were always ok, 99.5% of the time, but with 6 people I figured every 200 times or so I should. . . I could get my way, and who could argue, but if I didn't take the shit spot. . . in a sport, in a game, in anything, people would get insulted argue, fight, friends would stop being friends, and it would be too late, because they wouldn't blame me, so I couldn't fix it. After it happenned a few times I realized there was no problem giving up, because it really did make me so happy when others were happy, and I was only jealous because I saw they had and I didn't which was stupid. So I got over it. . . and now I"m me . . . as screwed up as you may think I am, I think I have a better mentality than you do. . . (whoever you happen to be, although I guess I can't assume anyone who ever reads this is of a normal mind set).

So this is pretty long huh, I should probably end this soon,
So I'm a dream. . . because I enter peoples lives, in just a slight way, I appear normally for a second to just disappear, and usually leave maybe a small smile, if they even remember that much. I don't do much I don't change much, I leave tiny little hardly noticeable usually rapidly forgotten impacts, that fade rapidly. Even Diedre is working to make my life as if it had never been, and I shouldn't expect otherwise, in a few weeks, she'll look back with only slight realization of why she dated me for so long, and figure it only worked because it was long distance, and another month or so it won't even be that.
It will be my fault, because I refuse to push people, I refuse to make an impact so afraid of hurting people, with her its so ironic because I got over it. . . too late, and now have to reform it.
Oh well theres more to the dream metaphor but your down to quotes
"I walk this street"
"don't fool yourself, she was heartache from the moment you met her" (first 2 lines from the song thats on, thought it was funny)
"If I seem superhuman I have been Misunderstood" Dream Theater ****
"Waiting In the calm of desolation Wanting to break From this circle of confusion' Dream Theater
"going nowhere" Mad World
"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had" Mad World