kah boom

I find it funny, how often things I say are misconstrued. For instance I was IM'ing Diedre and she thought my saying that eventually she should call me, was me wanting her to call me so I could yell at her. When really it would be just to hear a tone of voice beyond emotionless text. It's not what has to be said or what has to be transferred, I can get messages across on AIM.
It's like nicotine addiction you don't just stop you slow down, if you don't bad things happen, the person will fall apart. I put up with it because I do want to let her have time, and space, and her way (which is unrelated to whats good for her), but as useful as it is to her, its not helping me. Everyone has said I need to do stuff for me, and I agree with them, but I still refuse to hurt someone else in my effort to be happy. The problem is that's only a half truth I refuse to hurt an innocent, those who have hurt me. . . I debate on, the list is really small, and no surprise Diedre's on that list. I still don't want to hurt her, but there's a line where I will not give up any more of my self so she can feel better.
I will sit back and let her have her way for a long time longer, but I'm counting lots of things, and I'm watching how much I shake and how angry I get, and how often I can't weigh things because I keep walking away to realize I'm subconciously avoiding a panic attack that I just set off trying to do simple tasks. When those things get to a point, that someone could get hurt (me losing it while driving, finding my buffer to be peaceful to be to small, or anything else) than that will be the end of it. Either I will get a hold of her, one way or another, or I will exist no more. I lie because I don't believe existance is limited to the body, but my body won't be walking.

Yes I realize no one has to do anything, but taking responsibility for actions is important, thats why I'm not driving down to beg Diedre to take me back, thats why I still try and go to bed at 10, thats why . . .I do a lot of what I do. This post for instance I will probably pay for, and I understand that, I can deal with criticism, I can deal with anger, I can deal with a lot of things, thats the good thing about being a grown up. But I don't see this post as irresponsible I see it as log of who I am, how I failed, and a fairly anonymous way for people to check up on me.

I miss a lot of people like Kristin, and Amanda, Sammy, John, Dev, Martin, other Amanda, Kyle, other Kyle, some teachers, and Liz. Ok there's more as I think about it, but I don't want to. Most of those people were a best friend at one time, and the rest, were key people I had a lot of emotional investment in. . . all of them are people I pretty much don't talk to anymore. A few of them I"m trying to hang out with again. . . .kind of gross I just realized its all the girls. . . even if I don't count all the ones as girls. Like the Amanda's. . . are hardly girls the first one when I was younger you prob could have convinced me was a boy and the other one, is just my big and doesn't count. Ok, so I guess I should get to quotes quickly and look a post not entirely about Diedre, you should be impressed, and no that last part was not a hint about diedre. . . at least not conciously.
Quotes and these songs, aren't bad so feel free to listen to them.
"I have a surprise for you"
"A bottle of Jack and the musical"
"No one knows what its like to be the bad man, the sad man, behind blue eyes" The Who
"No one knows whats its like to have these feelings, like I do" The Who
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste" Cold Play