roots

no I'm not referring to the show. Yesterday I had a pleasant surprise, and then when asked how I was just said you don't want to know, she asked if it was a bad day at work and in my effort to say no just burst in to tears. It was frustrating. But onto better news, while they were there, I rembered why I am the way I am, why I love being me, where I came from. I also realized how incredibly distant Diedre was. Really that realization came later, but yeah. It was Ginnie & Amy and her mom. I just realized we all have creepy age things. At the beginning of the year my dad was 52 subtract 20 you get Ginnie's age subtract 10 you get mine. My mom was 50 subtract 20 you get Amy's age subtract 10 you Brandon's. I guess I'm not supposed to give ladies ages, but it was just nice to see someone that cared about me. I used to find it odd that Ginnie always thought of us as brothers, now its nice. Everyone's doing terrible, though but everyone always is, but from looking at them you would never know. Band ya'll should all look up though is the Red Hot Chili Pipers, preferably the new one that played at renfest (Texas) this year. It had me dancing for a very short few happy minutes when they left, before I was lonely again, and couldn't do anything. I learned I can sleep if I avoid my room, I think it confuses my parents, not sure why though.
I also found it funny because as I"m claiming I'm fine on my own, I can't stand being lonely, of course the 2 really are different. I'm lonely now because I hurt and I was so used to being able to always have someone, what made it even more awkward is her presence helps so much that while shes around even while breaking up with me I didn't cry much, but the moment shes gone, well yeah.
I'ld say some other stuff but I don't want to incriminate people, but I will say I'm counting days for an event that won't happen .. . so I can call BS on someone,that has nothing to do with the not incriminating people.
I realize hiding stuff isn't the same as lying, but it pretty much is, and when you are intimately involved it feels a lot like betrayal. Thats at Diedre if anyone might feel self guilted.
So sorry Diedre, but at times your well Diedre. No one still comments on here, I kind wonder what would happen if I started with suicide comments again cuz thats really when I get 90% of my comments.
Well lets see my family would be sad for awhile if the debt vanished they would probably be sad, my parents would get over it and either divorce or be better for it, hard times usually have one of those 2 effects. Brandon would either be devastated, or would be the guy who kept everyone else ok. David would probably break, but not sure if any one could tell, or if it might make him seem more normal, but sad for awhile. Diedre would feel terrible guilt and think she was the whole reason, I used to think she would have trouble getting over it, but I've realized it wouldn't actually last, or at least not a debilitating level for long, she'ld get over it quickly, and within a few years would have a new bf.
Not that I have an issue with that, I mean I had thought several times about writing a will now so as to let Diedre know that when I die, I want her to be happy with someone else.
I gave so much and was willing to give everything, and she just nothing I had was enough, she'll argue with that statement, but if something was enough then what was? Let me know.

I guess this is it
songs seem to be my thoughts I sing depressing songs (I invent lyrics as I go) to Rudolph tunes at work, I have been finding to many that I liked as songs, staring me in the face as my life, and it hurts, especially when I thought right before the event happens man that sucks but I"m not like that.
so for some song quotes (and a good old Churchill):
"When your going through hell keep going" Churchill
"even when your hope is gone, move along move along just to make it through" American Rejects
"How you like me now" Toby Keith
"if found please return to its other half" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-lj93PFPks&feature=related
"be my penguin" (same)
I guess thats it, live well everyone.

P.S. Kristin broke up with me on the 29th which means I am one of the 365 people who have their first 2 relationships end on the same day. Of course maybe thats not the odds, because maybe its more than just random? It was almost really creepy because the 29th in 05 was a Saturday, instead of a Friday. Although by lunar calendar it would have been the same day although I'm not bothering to look at lunar calendar dates.