I'm more me than u r

Some jewish guy, plays trombone, likes strategy games, and how things came about,and prob some other stuff I'll think of late.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

remember

I apologize for my randomness, but I think I've given up on sensible thought
I don't know if anyone has noticed, but my titles are actually coded by importance.
Lifetime landmarks are in all caps, "important" posts that are actually not so important get a capital letter and pure lower case means its just a normal post.

soo. . . I don't know why I care, but I want to be remembered. It's kind of one of those foolish things of man that's capable of destroying empires, and wasting lives. But I think as scary as death is ceasing to exist is a million times worse.

I really don't know why I want to be remembered and I don't know if any one reading this cares, although I'm guessing the only one reading this is either Diedre or myself. It's really frustrating too, because I times I feel like I do so much, yet it counts for nothing. At least in being remembered, but even outside of that context it still feels like its not doing anything. But no one in Spanish is gonna remember me even though I'm taking more credits (18)than any one else in that class. No one's going to remember me even though I have the class with the smallest number of people (1 my lesson) in a class.
Ok I get it those aren't really things that any one deserves to be remembered for: but what I my seeming doubling the hours needed, and my attendance to meetings thats perfect. My 20 billion seeming organizations that I help and take leadership positions no one wants not for my self esteem, but to help with jobs no one wants.
No, that certainly won't make a difference at least in Spanish someone will be like dude I'm in a class with some crazy nerdy kid they may even call me Jewish if they catch on. but in APO with all the fucking stuff I do, no I won't be remembered I wont be thought of, the moment I'm graduated when they're talking about all those alum and how this one was cool and this one did this and how they miss whoever, I won't be mentioned or thought about. Now maybe some Kirby (My apo family) will be like hey Scott left, but will they mention me, to anyone will they really be like ohh I wish he'ld come back, will there even be a note of damn he did a lot. NO, there won't be, because for some reason I'm just not worth remembering I'm not worth being cared about and it frustrates me.

I know I should give up and I know I shouldn't care.
Ok so thats my story, my pathetic life, that you shouldn't pay attention to because its not worth anything.
ps I met another Amanda which is funny cuz now i have an Amanda: a year younger, my age, and . . . ohh thats 2 years older. ehhh close to having a nice little pyramid/arc effect thing going.

I get to see Diedre this weekend and I'm supposed to go to CPPC this weekend at 12 on Sunday
and since I'm head of my stupid committee (the weakest committee (communications)) I'm supposed to explain about it, but my position not only does no one want but other than being head of the committee is inferior in like every aspect so its like god damn it why does the one extra thing I have to do be the one that gets in the way. So I guess I'll try and get out of it and hand over the speach to the next person in line, although I will admit I do find it funny that I've dodged this mandatory event every semester so far.

QUOTES:
Music is essentially useless, as life is.
-- George Santayana, Life of Reason (1905) vol. 4, ch. 4

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.
-- Sir Francis Bacon

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
-- Albert Einstein

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm.. well, first I think you've got "being remembered" and "being wanted" and "having a legacy" a little intertwined.
You were talking about your Spanish class, for example, They remember you as 'that guy', but you talk about how you'd wish that they would want you to come back. but my advice: don't worry about it. No matter how you flow through this life, you WILL be remembered. You will be wanted. And you will leave a legacy. Everyone does. Sure, we might not be FAMOUS. but that doesnt make us any less important. I will be remembered in the small way of helping a little girl make a teddy ear for her grandmother, helping a stranger find their lost car in a big parking lot, letting my neighbor come over to my apartment when her mom couldn't make it home on time. And all those little, or big, deeds and experiences will ALLL add up. It may not seem like something great, individually, but if you look at the bigger picture, you'll see it. You'll be remembered in soo many ways that will add up all together as something GREAT, too. As the guy who worked as a life guard, making swimmers feel safer; as your parent's son, as "that Jewish guy in the Spanish class". They ARE things people deserve to be remembered for, and they add up.
And you are wanted, too. By all your friends, by Diedre, and by all your family.
So, don't worry about it. ;)

I hope my comment made as much sense as it did in my head. ha.
-Kelley

9:54 AM  
Blogger Scott said...

thanks

5:02 PM  

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