23 Philosophy

Uhhh, I'm 23, and still a mess, although I'm apparently the most popular I've ever been on a bday. This post has been written in my head 100 times and forgotten before I could get here. On the positive side I catch myself smiling at life occasionally now. I still have friends helping me out, which is really more than I can ask for. Ok so the down side. . . no I'm skipping that, no one wants to hear that .. .I think, if you do let me know your always welcome.
So since I won't be a pessimist by balancing things in a very unbalanced way I shall whine in other manners.

Like the grudge that no one will let me forget. . . I guess I could sort of explain. I know sorry is supposed to make everything better, but when someone says blahh and you sorry, to me that's like someone catching you stealing from their store and you apologize, your probably not sorry, but you want to say something to make them less mad/sad or whatever.
And my day is slightly better I learned Friday I get chocolate pie
A real apology involves actually trying to fix a situation and putting in some actual effort, that's what I tell myself I need to get over my grudge, but then my friends accidentally encourage it in another way, and she encourages it in yet another way.

Ok so next topic
Diedre keeps telling me I'm perfect. . . for someone, just not her. Might as well tell a child their scribble is perfect if the lines they should have stayed in were a random pattern that followed their scribble.
I mean ok first off its obnoxious hearing it, secondly while it might be true, the pool of who would want me would be pretty small, and perfect well. . . ok I'm going to ignore the impossibility of that.
But seriously . . . I know I have ups, but if you can't get past my issues then it doesn't matter.
1) So to start I have trust issues, while I've been overly gullible and trusting my whole life, I've always had issues really trusting in people or relying on them, its why I'ld rather just do things myself. If I had some trust issues before I have a hell of a lot now.
2) I'm still fairly emotionless. . . not that I lack emotion just the expression of it, like I think I'm getting excited, but if I don't push this overly energetic me, then everyone seems to think I just don't care. And those that realize I do have pretty much all mentioned that it is sort of obnoxious the very low level of excitement I seem to show, even though they know it means more.
3) I have a habit of spending incredible amount of time on my goals. . . that often don't benefit me (Burks would call this wasteful, I would call it selfless), while this makes me easy to like because I'm a good guy it makes me difficult to want to be with because I like won't have all that awesome stuff because I'm to busy fixing everything everybody else messed up. Also it means I have less time to spend time with people if they aren't willing to go with me.
4) In combination with looking emotionless, I don't care about things "that aren't important" which is most things that most people care about, money beyond what I Need to eat, sleep, drive my car, and get dressed, flavor of anything, even the activity I'm doing, what I do care about is seeing people smile, making life painless, but to everyone I know, while most think its nice, none like it, all of them that have given me an opinion have told me I need to have things that make me happy beyond making others happy. Which is really frustrating because others being happy isn't just some warm feeling or something, its not just saying what I should do its, actually something I enjoy, but society apparently frowns on this.
The upside is society means majority so there are people that could avoid this, but they still have to deal with my other issues
5) I don't see these as issues, and because I don't see them as problems I'm not inclined to fix them
6) Ok so lets say now that person exists lets say 10000 people still find someone like that perfect I don't believe that but lets assume. Out of 7 Billion that means 1 in about 885000 people (that might be wrong its just under a million and I did the numbers in my head) most of which probably live in China and India, in the US that leaves 5 people. First off I don't do many social functions, then I'm scrawny, then I'm not outgoing, then I avoid people, so my odds of meeting 5 people are less than the chance I'll randomly run into your cousins family.
All of this assumes that those 10000 really exist, which probably don't, soo I'm tired of people telling me ohh you'll find that somebody, and umm well not me . . . or anyone I know, but your such a good guy.
I've heard that lets see from. . . ok just about every girl I talk to, except Keri, and it really hasn't come up.

Ok so now I'm a year older and wasted another post and another year, and nothing is really important or different. Well ok lots of things are different, . . . and important, nothing in a forward direction.

Oh right before I wrap up I want to do a fate thing. So Free will my religion officially believes in it, not sure how you want to define it, but rather than accept or reject this definition I'll jump to a term I invented called calculated fate, it's what I believe in (I don't think others should, freewill is far more useful for getting people to be "good (responsible) people" but its the way I see things.
So to start taking a rubber bouncy ball and a flat cement surface if you drop it what will happen, a bunch of randomly moving electrons will all tend to follow the randomly vibrating protons in a downward direction at an increasing speed making the ball that at a molecular level seems random to move in an incredibly predictable pattern, it will then hit the ground when it does more predictions can be made that it will bounce back up. With enough knowledge you can predict how long, how high, how loud, really anything about the drop. But lets say someone puts their hand in the way and then catches it your predictions are wrong. . . but only because of a lack of knowledge if you knew someone was there who was planning on catching it you could have changed all of your calculations to account for how much time they had and their coordination in what not everything in this scenario may move as its own object but the interactions lead to a predictable path that will not be interrupted once it has begun if all the factors are known. In other words the guy catching the ball will catch the ball if he is talented enough and motivated enough and prepared enough and there are no other factors, so the ball not only won't hit the ground and bounce but can't, because it is an absolute that he will catch it. Ok, so now you have worldly physics down, but humans have free will which makes this impossible right because you can't have all the information.
Lets try another sample someone puts on the table 10 dollars and 1 dollar you can take either one. Most people will take 10 dollars, you probably think the word most means free will, but its not free will its different factors, if you are severely paranoid or trying to mess up an experiment or just guilt ridden about taking money you may very well choose the 1 dollar, this is no coincidence but between your genetics and life events that were also predictable have lead you to think or calculate your choice this way, and give you your end product.
You may not agree with me that this is how the universe operates, but it is how I see things.
I'm sure this long post is more obnoxious than fun but giving you pieces of my philosophy is intended to be a reward for reading this. Ok well anything you want me talk about of focus on let me know.

Oh right and personal update:
IN the last 1.5 weeks I've only managed to work out twice, but I'm far more productive now I"m about to reintroduce my list again to keep me on track, but once a week I'm having something useful I'm doing like job interview or giving a presentation.

QUOTES:
sooooo chocolate pie????????
Drink nothing without seeing it; sign nothing without reading it.
-- Spanish Proverb

Generosity with strings is not generosity; It is a deal.
-- Marya Mannes

Woe be to him that reads but one book.
-- George Herbert

If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, the other person still owns that gift. The same is true of insults and verbal attacks.
-- Steve Pavlina, How to Win an Argument, 08-31-05