living to start dying

Ok so this post has nothing to do with that link just thought it was amusing. So I guess I should describe the title. Mostly I couldn't think of one. So what am I doing with my life right now. I want to say nothing. . . but your never really doing nothing . . .or I guess you could. . .but I"m never doing nothing. Currently I'm getting 2 things done a day. . . in an effort to first get a paying job. Then I'm going to contact grad schools and ecolab stuff again. The thought of getting shot being a good thing is growing. I mean one shot I die, just one burst of pain, then calculate it out, because someone whines every time I mention my value in the world I will start with that. Ok first off there are different values you can calculate for because most people only think of people we will start with that.
People: The only people that really want to see me are family and friends, which include Robert, Kevin, Chris, and Charlotte. . .I guess vaguely those people I visited on the trip. . . but I don't think they'ld be to heartbroken to never see me again I doubt they expect to anyways. so This is really the greatest place of loss. . . Chris is sort of a detached kind of guy although to be honest of the 4 I'm probably closest to him. . . and he'ld also probably take it the worst.
Then there's Charlotte. . . she's kind of been my dump person, I don't know why, but she has been. . . really I've totaled 4 dump people in my life. Second Kristin, which was a weird change to being a real person, Third Diedre, kind of followed suit I told her everything relied on her for everything and hence my problems now, 4th Charlotte another awkward transition first time I swapped to someone I wasn't dating, but I guess that's why it went to her over anyone else she's the only girl I was talking to, and guys are different and that would have been much of a jump (maybe), ok and now 1st myself I talked to myself continuously. . . realistically thats probably when I was healthiest. . . its when I lost that voice that would talk back to me .. . .that I became dependent on people. Oh back to people who need me after friends which seem like a loss, I can't account for. Goes to the people that don't need to see me. The poor, I'm not helping. . . .the rich don't need my help. . . and I guess I'm put small amounts into their pockets.. . less than most but still helping. Those suffering I'm doing nothing for, those dying I'm doing nothing for, the innocent I'm doing nothing for.
At the end of people I come out that my death is a negative. . . globally hardly noticeable, locally minimal to average. So someone you win.
So now on the other ground the rest of the world, for protecting life .. . I"m pretty atrocious I'm encouraging increase in the housing market or planning on it. I'm increasing the lumber industry, in energy - electrically I keep about even turning off lights and living in lights of others yet, keep laptop on a lot and still need some lights for myself. But on food I cause a good chunk of deforestation and eat way to much meat to be good for the environment. Yes I might do better than most Americans. . . that in no way means that the world is benefited by my presence.

Ok so I'm going to end this quickly because I suddenly picked up a bunch of job leads I want to follow so audios.
My quotes will be just songs I'm listening to not wasting much time

"I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love. Some folks just have one, others have none oh ho"
"Stay with me"
"I wonder every day as I look up on your face"
"nothing you would take, everything you gave"
"Did I say that I need you, did I say that I want you, if I didn't I'm a fool you see, no one knows this more than me"
"By the way you left without saying goodbye to me"
"All I can think about is you and me, you and me"
"It's not like before"
"It's sad to say this pain is keeping me alive"
"It's been tearing me apart"