too slow

This post was supposed to say hey I"m finally ready to be crushed again. I'm finally confident, and I don't see anyway of it being crushed, the math quiz I was worried about was fine, the only thing is if the AD competition or the spring trip gets screwed up. I really hope that doesn't happen, but instead today was a full guilt trip not that that's enough to throw me off
so my number one thought was definately "I"m sorry" and other unique ways to say it while I felt really guilty, on almost every thought today.
Well then I got home and read this blog post, I realized when I was going to tell Kristin the reason for that wasn't that I thought of her as an enemy but rather that I still liked her. . . a lot, and I always seemed to make her miserable so I was trying not to pester her.
But when I read that post. . . that emotion I thought I had done a good job of sealing in that jar by my anger like my anger also managed to be able to slip out when it shouldn't.
I felt possesive for the first time in my life, thats a feeling I've always despised people saying she's mine or what not, but I was ok with it till I felt it, she not even my girlfriend I don't have a right to feel jealous when some one else gives her flowers, actaully it could have been a friend but for some reason I don't think so, and honestly it probably should be an admirer and give me another bar, because once again I have proven any time I am near her, I still wish things would work out. I even got asked to prom today and the thing that crossed my mind first was huh was she serious the answer to that was half way, and then that wish of Kristin, but I had to say yes because she said she no longer cares for me and I can't keep continuing to make decisions to wait for things that have been promised as impossible. I can't make her like me anymore, I need to stop apolgizing and let her be angry at me, but I can't do that I still only wish to be the best I can be in her eyes. its pathetic I know and I couldn't say anything before Valentines Day I didn't want. . .eerrgghh so hard to explain everything seems like it could be taken wrong. Anyways if you want to know ask and allow me to explain so I can be sure its not taken to far from what I honestly mean. O and Kristin I think I have an answer to why that made me feel better it was one of those few things I can take for honest and true one of the few things I can take as a guaranteed fact, see even things I'm absolutely sure are true like when you said you didn't feel anything for me, that you wouldn't say unless it were true, but my mind won't let me believe it, logic says it has to be true, but I can't believe my logic. So I'm stuck knowing a few truths and not trusting them being confused about just about everything else.
So my thought of the day again is: "I"m sorry"
My smile of the day: was seeing her smile
Hehe so lesson of the day be happy when good things happen and only be sad when its somthing you should be sad about
Today I learned how easily my hopes rise (not somthing about Kristin for once)
and biology had some interesting political arguments
the good note to end on is. . .
certainly not the fact that I now feel like I have theft to add to my list of self criticisms (nothing illegal for those who can't catch on), but
the truth although no champion, and although probably less liked by me than most people can be a true support and even a friend when there seem no good notes to rest on.