one. . .last. . . and first

"whatever you want" the words that have rang through my head for the last 24 hours, what i want isn't possible, it isn't even probable or at least thats what I'm telling myself. In fact I never even decided entirely what I want, I spent so much time thinking I can't attain it. On thinking I don't really know much of what I want as I see every possibility as just another place where the chinese curse "May you get what you wish for", prove its value.

one person, one effort, one idea, one soldier, one grain of rice, one push, one conversation. . . won't win a superbowl, tip the scale, win a war, form a belief, complete a task, or do anything that makes a difference.

Although one last person can make a difference count, one last effort can complete the task, one last idea can form a belief, one last soldier can change the tide in a war, one last grain of rice can shift the scale, one last push can give you a chance, one last conversation can, who really knows. . .

But there is no last person without a first who could not make a difference, without a first effort there would never be a need of a final one, without the first idea no one would want a belief, without the first soldier the last wouldn't have a chance, without the first grain their wouldn't be a point, without a first push their would be no finals, with out a first conversation there could be no last.

So. . .anyhow I'm completely confused not about what I was about to say and then a really cold feeling, but I'm on a no deleting except for grammar and spelling things (experimenting with suggestions) so to what I was saying. . .
so. . . anyhow I was going to say this morning I was up and knew it was going to be near impossible to get to school any earlier with my parents so I planned out everything how early I had to wake them up with out wasting a minute of their sleep. i woke her up with the 10 min warning (saying she needed to be up in 10 min) my dad even helped me out here 10 min later she was up. then all was ready I was about to leave She was exactly as I predicted I could get their with 10 min of warm up and after somthing goes wrong thats still 5 min. My brother hadn't done his homework so I had to go do it, somthing about euro, by the time I had been asked it was 10 min later. We got there just in time so I got about 5 warm up notes and did wretched missing partials left and right and that threw me off enough that I miscounted the rests. Then my family forgot I existed so later when my dad came up he's like o yea umm. . .we ate dinner and forgot about you, you might want to make a sandwich. Other than that though they've done a great job of remembering me for help on all the homework, dishes, and anything else that needs being done, and my brother just gave me some cheap gum (YAY).
How come those who bother you, you wish would ignore you, and those that you want to bother you, for the most part are ignoring you?
I learned a new trick today not sure yet how to do it though I'm afraid to test the way I think its done, but the one thing I do know is its cruel. and normally I would think someone would say bye first, but i"m assuming I was blocked.
Utter silence yet again o well. Back to talking to myself and only me, I guess I asked for it
so to the world [somthing I deleted] just be happy. . .