Yelling Silently

Dis morning I woke up to hammering. We had people repairing our roof. Soon after waking my mom came in and started yelling at us for this and that, after the first command or two I realized we were cleaning house. Nothing like being yelled at to do somthing, to make you forget whats troubling you. So my brothers and I cleaned house didn't get very much done. For some reason most of the yelling at me was me getting yelled out because if I was one of my brothers I would be getting yelled at more. Who knows. Any how we then left for my brother's (David) birthday lunch, we went to Cracker Barrel and while waiting there, all those troubles that had temporarliy vanished were back worst than before cleaning. I really wanted to do somthing, but I couldn't. I realized though that people tend to look for things they know they won't find. Like my brother saw this card on it with a dog on it, the dog half way sort of resembled our dog, but he's like hey look its Gizmo. Me on the other hand I wasn't looking for the family pet I was looking for somthing else impossible to find, and I will only tell those who care to ask, but none ever do. I then went home tried to get some homework done didn't get very far, helped my brother with hebrew and in doing so relearned the form for past tense and present, but its kind of difficult to type out. I laughed a little watching mad tv I used to think that show was so dumb. Now I still think its dumb, but I don't really care about that or much else. I decided laughing is the instaneous leaving of this world for one with out cares, and that love is the most selfish emotion. Today my stalling and self pitiying has lead me to write a poem, it's pretty pathetic, but its written in quatrains with each line getting shorter except for one stanza near the end. For those who ask to see it sure you can but I warned you it was wretched. I have over 100 people although that may have happenned before today since I'm in the 120's although half might be me with new IP adresses it doesn't recognize.
Any how, yea the title I should probably explain. I was laying on the bed in the gameroom, about to explode with the things I no longer wanted to say, but now wanted to scream, but I didn't want to make a sound. I can't say anything I can't even ask and the one person I can ask part of and might have an answer, I can't find time to ask. So I sit here muted so often with so much bottled up inside. . .
That reminds me when I was little the counselor's or whoever else was talking to me always told me I needed to let my anger out I kept it bottled inside and would some day explode like a volcano. They told me I should try beating up a pillow. I tried that, but I'm no warrior I couldn't even hurt a pillow, so I never really did anything, and to this day I don't really get angry, I think each of my close friends have one occasion they have ever seen me angry, most of them have different ones they've seen, but rather than be explosive, (other than maybe at my mom, but I doubt thats from bottled in anger) I've dimmed every emotion to a level that can easily be dealt with practically, but in life dealing with emotions and keeping it practical is not always practical.

So to finish this post off, yes it must end like all things else ;( My brothers having his party next Friday, so from everyday until then I will ask ya'll to say happy birthday so far I've found 2 decent people one told me IM so I"ll put a comment for today from her. but come on over a hundred people and 2 people have wished him happy birthday thanks a lot ya'll , but seriously thank you Liz.
So until the worlds perfect may every one be happier, smile more, and live a life full of somthing other than despair.



P.S. I forgot good luck guard although this is a little late