the coldest smile

2:30 dismorning I was up, I had waken up, for once it wasn't because I couldn't sleep. It was weird I no longer burned, or wished, or hoped, or even really longed for her anymore. The pain was gone, and I was free. Some may think that would make me smile, but no, not a thing was really felt. Then I sung a song or rather hummed it, and suddenly I was miserable. I smiled. . . the coldest smile. For those who know me well enough, know why I smiled, but that number I believe is only one, me, and for those who care to know ask. I won't bite

Last night I realized I"ve been doing things all wrong I've been trying to hard to be happy. I was so emotionally unstable I got to the point, where at the doctor's opposite I had a tear come to my eye once just because a mom and her daughter sat by me, and 3 more times in the 10 min of a Bug's Life that I saw while waiting and it wasn't heroic or romantic parts just at random intervals. I realized that I had lost control and so my normal just will a feeling and it being there was gone. So first I needed to just stabilise on one emotion, the easiest is sad.

I'm thinking about having a daily smile and thought
my smile's at top
the thought that passed through my head the most today was "The world's not cold but I am"
I really don't know why I was so cold today it didn't seem like a cool day.

Most everything I say and do has more than one reason or motive, although lately when people have been asking I've only given one. So I'll try to be fully honest now. I 'm not really sure why but o well.

and a happy thought to finish hmmm. . .
well its more neutral but umm today I begin my life as my regular old self again, I don't really like it much, but its the one I was happy with for the 11 years I've lived here. Its the one I'm most comfortable with, just. . . o well
o and one last thing I just remembered dismorning I took my medicine right before school and the night before I had asked my mom what the medicine does (its prescription) she looked at the bottle strangely and then said coughing and congestion. . .so after taking it I looked at the warning label and this is what it read in big letters:
May Cause Drowsiness, Alcohol
May Cause Blurred Vision
May Cause Dizziness
I read it and was like o. . . probably not good especially since the last dose doesn't technically wear off for another 2 hours. lol well have fun
so everyone be happy with who you are. . . until next time.