living to start dying

Ok so this post has nothing to do with that link just thought it was amusing. So I guess I should describe the title. Mostly I couldn't think of one. So what am I doing with my life right now. I want to say nothing. . . but your never really doing nothing . . .or I guess you could. . .but I"m never doing nothing. Currently I'm getting 2 things done a day. . . in an effort to first get a paying job. Then I'm going to contact grad schools and ecolab stuff again. The thought of getting shot being a good thing is growing. I mean one shot I die, just one burst of pain, then calculate it out, because someone whines every time I mention my value in the world I will start with that. Ok first off there are different values you can calculate for because most people only think of people we will start with that.
People: The only people that really want to see me are family and friends, which include Robert, Kevin, Chris, and Charlotte. . .I guess vaguely those people I visited on the trip. . . but I don't think they'ld be to heartbroken to never see me again I doubt they expect to anyways. so This is really the greatest place of loss. . . Chris is sort of a detached kind of guy although to be honest of the 4 I'm probably closest to him. . . and he'ld also probably take it the worst.
Then there's Charlotte. . . she's kind of been my dump person, I don't know why, but she has been. . . really I've totaled 4 dump people in my life. Second Kristin, which was a weird change to being a real person, Third Diedre, kind of followed suit I told her everything relied on her for everything and hence my problems now, 4th Charlotte another awkward transition first time I swapped to someone I wasn't dating, but I guess that's why it went to her over anyone else she's the only girl I was talking to, and guys are different and that would have been much of a jump (maybe), ok and now 1st myself I talked to myself continuously. . . realistically thats probably when I was healthiest. . . its when I lost that voice that would talk back to me .. . .that I became dependent on people. Oh back to people who need me after friends which seem like a loss, I can't account for. Goes to the people that don't need to see me. The poor, I'm not helping. . . .the rich don't need my help. . . and I guess I'm put small amounts into their pockets.. . less than most but still helping. Those suffering I'm doing nothing for, those dying I'm doing nothing for, the innocent I'm doing nothing for.
At the end of people I come out that my death is a negative. . . globally hardly noticeable, locally minimal to average. So someone you win.
So now on the other ground the rest of the world, for protecting life .. . I"m pretty atrocious I'm encouraging increase in the housing market or planning on it. I'm increasing the lumber industry, in energy - electrically I keep about even turning off lights and living in lights of others yet, keep laptop on a lot and still need some lights for myself. But on food I cause a good chunk of deforestation and eat way to much meat to be good for the environment. Yes I might do better than most Americans. . . that in no way means that the world is benefited by my presence.

Ok so I'm going to end this quickly because I suddenly picked up a bunch of job leads I want to follow so audios.
My quotes will be just songs I'm listening to not wasting much time

"I'm a lucky man to count on both hands the ones I love. Some folks just have one, others have none oh ho"
"Stay with me"
"I wonder every day as I look up on your face"
"nothing you would take, everything you gave"
"Did I say that I need you, did I say that I want you, if I didn't I'm a fool you see, no one knows this more than me"
"By the way you left without saying goodbye to me"
"All I can think about is you and me, you and me"
"It's not like before"
"It's sad to say this pain is keeping me alive"
"It's been tearing me apart"

games

Ok so yesterday Keri came over it was a blast. I just hope my lack of social skills didn't make anything awkward, or my mom yelling, or David being all touchy feely on me. We played Apples to apples with Chris, Brandon, and Andrea, and then Brandon and Andrea left for a bbq.
Mom asked everyone what type of pizza Kerri was excited about an olive pizza, which is my favorite one topping so then David said he didn't care I said olives, Chris said he didn't care but then left anyways. Mom ended up getting 2 pizzas one olive, one mushroom, because she loves mushrooms and sort of assumes everyone else does, not that I dislike it but far prefer olive pizza. So we get it Keri takes 2 olive, David takes 2 olive, I go to take an olive slice and moms like hey take some mushroom pizza. I tell her "I was gonna grab an olive" "Then grab one and one" "Ok". Then David took another olive and its like of course. I make a decision and it doesn't matter, but if I didn't make a decision everyone whines that I'm indecisive. I feel so important everyone wants to know my decisions but really I hardly get to have an opinion.

OK now to call myself a liar, All of the games yesterday while they may not have been picked by me were all accepted by me, for example after playing apples to apples, we ran through my closet and I named off game which lead to Battleship. Then we did chess trying to think of a C game. and Finally Chris asked me if I wanted to do heroscape or risk.

Ok so now to heroscape: I'm going to just refer to everyone by single letters, but I liked the dynamics of the game so will leave it here. I'm going to talk about players in order of the 1st turn. R,A,M,D,S
Character position:
R & S were on one side while the other 3 started on the opposite side.
R & A were across from each other,
M was between A & D
S&D were across from each other, which sort of looked like:
R A

M

S D (note: The first turn was deemed a pacifist turn so M wouldn't get obliterated. . . and S wouldn't get sniped.

Charcter selection:
R: used slow highish powered melee units-had one cohesive general squad unit
A: used tons of squads (horde mentality)- 2 generals each with a squad (looked like a full army: archers, cavalry, infantry, and even some animals)
M: An odd mix of nifty abilities: including ability neutralizer, lots of flight, & healing (also a group of unreliable airborne (grenadiers)).
S: Used a lot of defensive bonuses and defensive counters, mostly ranged.
D: used almost entirely ranged units each with different abilities to counter most any force (including a 10 range sniper that had a surprisingly large range of doom), and held one melee squad.

Game path:
Game start:
R: charged straight at A, hoping to destroy the archers before getting pelted to death. Concentrating moves with the general-squad combo
A: charged back encircling the forward troops with lots of troops and generals.
M: flew straight for the high ground in the center of the map
D: advanced to keep everyone in range including high ground
S: trying to flee D's range and climb high ground in the center of the map, and kept units in a tight formation

Game engagements (early):
R&A: fought with R holding the single higher spot of ground with one unit, while A surrounded R guaranteeing no escape and lots of swings and used disengage to choose which targets to hit and where to be.
M&S: engaged S climbing the high ground and forced him into an uphill battle, M was spread out in her unit movement leaving one unit behind that hid from D's fire, and having a little use out of all of her units.
D &(M&S): initially tried firing at M, who's high movement allowed her to keep leaving range and forcing D to advance forward toward S eventually pincering him on both sides, but also had movement spread out among units.
Game losses (early):
R&A: traded with slightly more losses for A, which was probably in A's favor having at least twice as many useful troops.
M&D&S: S used his most powerful unit to output lots of damage on M before having his abilities, but the healer negated most of the damage, and allowed M to exchange about an equal low level of damage to each others heroes. M brought a double shot archer and killed off in one turn S's last choice pt filler and one of the ranged defenseman who failed both protective roles. S then turned damage onto the archer and killed him with his own double shot archer.

Game losses (mid):
R&A: R lost his squad and sent his strongest unit to save the general, who couldn't be saved but the two managed to destroy a large portion of A's legion, but R's hero was surrounded, and impenetrable armor and ridiculous attack tore the legions apart leaving A with one middle/weak squad.
M&S: M managed to damage S's boosting angel, and double archer, but lost her negation ability unit, and a unit that could move other units and fly.
D&S: D brought around a melee unit (nearly immune to melee) and fought uphill against S forcing his ranged units to use melee. the troop was very slowly whittled away.

Game losses (end)
R: had his hero and one squad and charged the unit he feared most putting all his moves into his hero and got into a long duel that took forever leaving his hero severly wounded and destroying threat one. Then realized S was looking to finish off his hero fearing it and moved to position to set up a charge. unfortunately he placed him self in range of D's 10 range sniper, who placed her self one spot to close, and he managed to charge the sniper and one shot it, before the sniper managed to land a hit.
A: took her squad and destroyed the last squad of R, and then charged the flank of S who was moving very slowly, but was fighting against uphill opponents.
M: severly damaged a defensive boosting unit of S leaving it at one health and brought her last unit around to engage the double archer. Finally got airborne on the field, and missed a few shots at the robot R's hero fought
D: Knocked off M's grenadiers, and failed to harm R, and stop attempting to fight S's flank
S: quickly destroyed M's healer and last unit, freeing his double archer to get into position to fight R's hero. When R's hero destroyed the sniper, he didn't realize he stepped into the double archers range, who used his height advantage to finish off the hero. S used his final shot to finish off the last remaining unit of D, stuck in place on S's flank. S, then left only with A used the double archer to win the up hill battle against A's last squad. A's squad failed to do damage because of both the uphill difficulty and the defensive boosting of his wounded unit.

"Thats how an elf's supposed to shoot" S & requoted by A

TALKING Easter

Ok so that's probably a misleading title, but its the truth. This simple meaning of it is. Zack, Keli's son, is now talking coherently, like not single words that may or may not have enough meaning to understand what he wants, but on Easter he may not have been speaking perfect english but it was phrases and sentences, and I could have held a conversation with him. A few days after we left they were telling me his language skills were increasing more and he was telling stories. So I made this blog post to mark the date of when Zack went from gibbering words to talking.

Ok well I think this blog will be shortish for mine. I know everyone reading this is like "if only". So I'm still doing my stupid depressed thing. I (re)learned dissing yourself in Judaism is a sin, the term vaguely translates to evil tongue. So I'm trying again to minimize self criticism . . . at least out loud. I think I also learned another gauge for how shitty I'm doing. It's based off of how often I lose my keys and how long they stay missing. If you want a relative comparison, I have lost a lot of stuff including my keys a number of times, usually its for about 2-3 minutes and once a month, I usually don't even consider that losing my keys. Recently my keys have been lost probably 50% of the time. This last time was for like 4 days. It was even in any place that should have been that hard, and its not that I didn't look its just I'm such a mess.
I get left alone for like 5 minutes though and I get into this panicked mode like today I was actually sweating. I've eaten like one meal, today totaling: 1 bowl mac & cheese, 1 mini Reese's cup, 1 pastry and . . . some milk. By the way its 9:30pm.
I want someone to have as a personal whine bag, but people have that thing called a life, and so some way or another I'll decide i can't use them entirely for one reason or another.
Finally I want to go see Libbi tonight but I really don't want to leave my house with out a buddy, especially where there will be other people, even more so that the only person I will know there will be on stage, and I really don't want to see that many people. . . even more so that while i normally prefer people breaking social norms and interactivity from our media; Today, I really want to minimze interaction with everyone I don't know.
Ok so some quotes
"No good deed goes unpunished".
-- Clare Booth Luce, in H. Faber, The Book of Laws, 1980
"Whatever you are by nature, keep to it; never desert your line of talent. Be what nature intended you for and you will succeed".
-- Sydney Smith
"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down".
-- Robert Benchley

"People will buy anything that is one to a customer".
-- Sinclair Lewis

"A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything".
-- Samuel Johnson, (attributed)