update philosophy?

this is the post template box
Hey I figured I'ld leave my starter template box type today for the viewers :-p. . . all how many of you, I sort of lost count.
Anyhow this blog isn't dead yet. . . nor am I. We're not down for the count, but if I run on tangents its cuz this post is just for the sake of updating. No one prompted me, no one asked, I don't think any one cared either, this is just for you blog.
Yeah I know I'm weird, and I'm still happy with that. That= not fitting societies rules, and yes I'm no just ok with not fitting about, happy, excited, ecstatic, to be different, its a need, and even if I'm normal I pretend I'm not. I have to hope and pretend I'm not part of humanity, not average, not just another person that makes the average of humanity that group I despise. The scary truth is with all my friends I call special and weird with all my tendencies, I'm fairly confident they all fit with in the range of normal, and all my pretending is just a self inflicted delusion. Now the question is, is that bad, my answer to you is. . . since I can't change it, that doesn't matter. What does is how I continue to push this life, and in reality I will do nothing.
Fighting to say things I shouldn't, as always ask me if you care to know. . . I know you don't.
Not that I don't matter, every breath, every Calorie I burn alters the planet, and some organisms life path is modified for it. In microbiotic world my impact is planet altering, but if you think thats all I'm referring to your dead wrong, I'm referring to all life from the organisms you can see, to the furry ones you care about and even the superorganisms. . . even up to the human superorganism, only Matt knows where I'm going with that, but he wouldn't catch it in this context. . . .I think. Once again ask. . . .you won't. . . I dare you (maybe now you will).
What it comes down to is that I won't be significantly different than any one else who wants to make a difference but won't actually try, for whatever reason that is.
I fear society. . . its what it comes down to, I could be ok living a minimalist life, I could be ok working my ass off, I can't deal with letting my family down, I don't want to give up my friends, and I fear being forgotten. . . thats really it the rest of humanity as far as I'm concerned can go fuck themselves. I'm sure there are lots of good people, but I tried to hard to defend those I thought were worth it and found them to be the problem I'm fighting. So they can save themselves, meanwhile I work on the answer for those I have yet to give up on, but having spent enough time with them I"m sure I'ld find the same conclusion, but I must always find an "innocent" to defend until I know there are no "innocents" left. Not that I know there are none in humanity, but rather that the odds of finding them are so rare that my efforts are best going elsewhere.
In the end I have my philosophy leading me to a job that should make more money than I'ld ever ask for, where I will see more people than I ever cared for, so that way I can believe my efforts will be amplified to help protect a planet using the people to police themself with the information that I find, but I know that it will come down to politicians, who pretend to be represented by the people, but who in the end will likely not make the decision they need to, to make this world less painful and more livable for all. Thats my prediction, my thoughts, take them as you will.
I'm weak, I'm pathetic, I'm falling apart, I'm stupid, I'm unobservant, but compared to the rest of the humanity, I can survive better than most, adapt better than most, I'm more in control than most, I understand more than most, and I see more of simple truths that either most or. . .. than people allow themselves to act on.
I more believe the latter, anyhow quotes
I'll just thank Willy Mason and steal from him today:
"I wanna be better than oxygen so you can breath when your drowning and weak in the knees"
I wanna speak louder than riddlin, for all the children that think they've got a disease"
"I wanna be cooler than tv for all the kids that are wonderin what they're goin to be"
We can be stronger than bombs if your singin along and you know that you really believe"
"We can be richer than industry as long as we know there's things we don't really need"
We can speak louder than ignorance, cuz we speak in silence every times our eyes meet"
"I wanna hold up my head with dignity, proud of life where to give means more than to take"
"I want to live beyond the modern mentality, where paper is all that your taught to create".
"I know it sounds like a dream, but its the only thing that can get me to sleep at night. I know its hard to believe, but its easy to see that something here isn't right. I know the future looks dark, but its there that the kids of today must carry the light."

end?

Today overall was a good day. Chris got me to go to a picnic thing and be social yay, great.
Ok so I guess this may be the end of a new age of the blog, apparently this is a public forum, and slandering people is bad. So The whole point of having a place that pretty much no one reads as a place where I can say stuff, is a lie, because apparently some people do read this, so I guess this blog will be reduced to either good stuff or petty comments, which probably means it will shortly be phased out knowing me. If you want me to keep this let me know, because otherwise I'm seeing little point of keeping this, you can let me know in person, email (if you know it) on facebook, on here in a comment I don't care.
Oh I almost have linux by the way, and my laptop is backed up on 5 dvds.
and I guess some quotes:
"I believe this is killing me. As the smile ran away"
"You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down"
I loved you endlessly,
When you weren't there for me.
So now it's time"



PS in a way Diedre still owns me. . . I"m still listening to every whim. . . for some odd reason (yay for masichism).
Also Diedre didn't ask this, so don't take this as an offense. Or much of what I say for that matter, I am just an angry, emo kid, who made to many mistakes.

Trip of Texas (Denton)

So ok, I've been to only 2 places of my possible 5. . . more likely 4 of my grand Texas circle. (By the way I have no idea what I intend to say this post). A&M was a blast, and I never managed to say hi to Kristin, I'm in a habit of blaming others as of recent, but this one definitely falls on me. I then got to Denton later than I should have but they stayed up awhile afterwards so I didn't feel so bad. Liz and Marcos are a cute couple, although she asplodes on him fairly regularly and he forgets a lot of what she says, which is a lot of her asploding. If any relationship is like my parents it would be their's without the snugglyness. I also realize I'm a freak, pda doesn't bother me in the least, it actually makes me smile. I just don't like fighting, especially on my behalf. I also find it absolutely hilarious when Liz cusses, because she has the softest sweetest voice ever, and its just funny to hear her say things like stop being such a bleep [sensored for language beyond my use]. Any how I'm having debates in my head about how to respond to some stimuli [using the science words], and excited about other events and sort of sad, that I want to leave one friend to see another. I'm also terrified of seeing Burks, I really don't want her to think I'm just fucking around and not getting work done, or that i emailed a professor without telling her, which the first time I did without thinking not realizing much would come of it, but then the 2nd time I realized I had messed up and purposely hid it from her, so now I'm definitely guilty. I want to just get into grad school.
Speaking of which I think Diedre last night told me she would be fine with never seeing me again. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but after she was so offended by the hospital comment, I thought maybe she'ld say something, but why should I expect anything different. I've basically given up on honesty. . . just now realized that I"m hiding from Matt when I actually get into town so I can spend time with Arielle without him feeling bad. I'm hiding from Burks my every move, and when I'm not talking to Diedre, I really seem to my thoughts on her are a mess and always will be, because she'll never have enough maturity to deal with anything. Or if she ever does she'll never go back to fix old mistakes, I'm fairly confident about that.
I hate society and its rules, most of them suck and are pointless, most people will agree with me, when I mention it, but I guess thats just a part of society to, pretend to dislike it, but help enforce it. The few people I think that really do agree with me, are so brainwashed by it they wouldn't pretend to do anything anyways. . . I guess that includes me.
More thoughts. Ok so, that last set of code was overly difficult and blogspot didn't like that link, and so thats why its underlined, I got it to work, and don't care to try and complicate that code and have it try rearranging what I told it again. Stupid computers thinking they are smarter than me.
Ok well I think thats it for this post I need to get reading done.
So for quotes I'll do a happy and sad mostly cuz I want my sad quote, but don't want to end on a sad note
"Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when" Linkin Park

"I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter " Linkin Park

When people think the world of you, be careful with them.
          -- Margaret Cho, Margaret Cho Blog, 09-26-05

Even with the best of maps and instruments, we can never fully chart our journeys.

            -- Gail Pool
For all their strength, men were sometimes like little children.
          -- Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark, 19
I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully 
 expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself.
          -- Marlene Dietrich
Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play, you can't win.
          -- Robert Heinlein
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
          -- Brendan Gil