apologies & guilt

So I should know better than to post in the day time. I'm always more vengeful in the day time. I'm always less in control then too, I'm not sure why. So I wanted to apologize to Diedre for the last post. Here or the other one I don't really remember, if she wants I'll delete it. I've been feeling kind of terrible about it pretty shortly after i typed it. There's part of prayer in Judaism or at least my synogauge I had always thought was sort of true but also kind of creepy cuz it seemed to lack any reason for being true or even really being in the service. "In the morning the word is spoken, in the evening the truth revealed." I"m sure its out of context but the line itself is part of a set of lines that sort of feel out of context, and don't go together in anything but generally mood and idea. I've always had this issue, for example my dad used to always whine that during the day I always left the lights on and at night I would sit in rooms with the light off not realizing it wasn't just me being wierd or lazy (ok maybe wierd) but during the days if I was frustrated or mad at them I would leave the lights on (since he always whined about it) in retaliation, and at night I would always feel bad about it and turn them off to make up for it.
Ok so time for a quote heres some more stuff from Seether, sort of talentless band, but lately they seem to have some decent lyrics to match my emoness.

"listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but i'll rise above this, rise above this"

"I could bleed for a smile, i could cry for some fun
There's so much left in the air
So much to tell from a stare
There's so much left to defend"

PS I wouldn't reccomend actually listening to them.

dark side

whoah to posts in a day, somethings on my mind
Ok heads up this was intended for the other blog so no sense guaranteed or even pretended
I'm conflicted, tearing myself to pieces, this will probably be shortI don't know whether or not I want this blog(the other one) to be me, or just a flood of where my thoughts go, just to keep me sane.
I'm angry I'm pissed off, and maybe if this is my lie, than my life will be ok.
Or maybe my lifes just useless and its time to turn around and take this one.
I see the world from 1000 perspectives, and none of them seem happy now, but the current one that seemed so happy is losing faith and maybe my personality won't stay with the incumbent. Maybe it should be a more Oriam like personality, or maybe I should just play up Alexanders, those two seem to be duking it out lately. Alexanders pretending to be Kelvin on the phone Diedre, and a sadistic dying me on IM to Charlotte, a giving up me with Chris, the old me with Kevin and Robert, and Oriam gaining ground most notably on here. Kelvin never gives up, but he won't push them out of the way either if hes not accepted when he puts his arms out, and Swaedon, well Swaedon has no need right now, his mindset is more just giving Oriam fuel for now, but theres to much passion and anger for him to pretend to have control in this situation.
I guess Ill give this one to my other blog, so my blogs are swapped for the day. characters here and quotes in the other one, but I see no reason not too. Also the title is a link to the other blog,

Ok world live well, be happy, Tikun Olam, lots of Tikun Olam, and finally leave me some comments so I know . . . so I have an idea, beyond this counter or i'll just track down your computer IP's :-p

I'm better at most things than most people give me credit for except for the things people think I"m good at, its the great irony of my life.

Ohh and last thing my bosses kids one in hs (sophmore) and one in Jr. High both scored higher in math than I did on the real SAT, and I had the high math score 750 anyone?

Time

This was going to have 1000 different titles, but this is the one I get, not sure what this will really say, I"ve had as many subject matters, like describing who the actual worst person is, not really I guess who, but what makes the worst person. Ironically this post was supposed to be made before I realized Diedre was in the process of dumping me. I guess I'll start with that, since. . . no, because (since indicates time, because indicates reason). . . I've already been misleading. Diedre wants to take a break, although she attacked Chris for doing that, she . . . rahhh I won't say that.
The #1 reason for break ups is economics. . . (no not money,just value system) usually it's because something better becomes available, what I find funny about that statistic, is its intended to nicely say your not as good as the person they could be dating, but really that sentence is one of the universal truths we always follow, we do what we want, because it is the better "option" but really there was never an option just a set of actions that lead to the current "choice".
A quick drop of my philosophy: That above statement does claim a sort of calculated fate, but it does not mean that I don't believe I . . .or even we are not and should not be held responsible on two levels.
1) Simple cause and effect: If we are not held responsible, than we will not act responsible so if free will is a simple illusion that calculated fates come out better. For example if you are a person convinced by my argument that would mean you believe you didn't have a choice in believing me, but from your past experience, genetic make up, and other factors at the moment, what I said triggers thoughts, reactions, whatever to get you to think calculated fate makes sense. You could now fall one of two ways you could say well that doesn't mean you argued well or that I can't be blamed for punching johnny last week because that was a guaranteed response after he made fun of me. . . or you can realize that if they can't punish you for your actions theres no longer a fear or reason to try, which will increase the number of people that don't and cause a result of less effort made in the world.
2) It doesn't matter: I don't mean that your efforts don't but free will doesn't. This is a much harder concept to understand, I doubt anyone will actually understand this concept, except maybe Matt who won't read this, but has yet to reach this conclusion on his own. Fate is a terrible way to view life (and sacreligious in judaism) because it allows people to blame their situations, but from a mathematical point of view, it really allows you to look see and try to understand how to achieve anything by trying to look at all the reactions that will happen. It's scientifically useful in that sense, rather than worrying about having a choice or who's fault it is, its better to realize you were a part of the problem and that your effects are far reaching and every action you do must be important in the outcome of everything. I could talk about the effects of this view, but this is long and obvious.
You could ask how then if I believe my actions are so far reaching do I Scott feel so useless, so lacking effect, and the reality is it's not that I truly believe I'm useless or lack effect, but rather than any purpose I have in my effects are almost nothing, because like a butterflies wings everything after its own flight is just an unmeaning side effect, that it could still be blamed for, but was certainly not intentional. I'm fairly confident that the difference I try to make regularly is small and nearly insignificant (insignicant means a calculated lack of difference that could be due to random error as much as actual difference).

Confidence: Interesting concept, especially with me, because at one point I have none, its that simple I am walking doubt, and then I must doubt even that because in other ways I am not only confident, but arrogant, cocky, and sort of an ass; the great irony is the things I am confident about are things: I don't use, things I don't test, things that are meaningless in my real life (maybe in some other instant they could be useful), hell I've even been confident about my humbleness. There are 2 things that drive my confidence: those are trust and anger. . . I realize those rarely go together but lets start with
Trust: This is the one most people rely on for my confidence, its why no one thinks I'm confidence because about the only people I trust right now is me and Brandon, and for some reason I don't like confiding in him. I hate people, they are disgusting, in so many ways, but we do have redeeming qualities, (sorry for the side not I'll get back to that). When I feel that I am safe, that people are honest, then I can be confident, and for a bit in the relationship I was, than I am confident. Normally I can't be confident in full, so instead its about something in particular a skill, a person, a philosophy, if I can hold it long enough it internalizes and I hold it as truth. I do question everything, but Diedre is one of the few people that I ever had confidence enough in for long enough to really be confident about, but, but nothing. Ironically Diedre who I was confident in, who wanted me to be confident was a large reason of why I'm not confident and is the only reason I am. Because of her I am able to talk to people because of her . . .basically I'm not Matt, although at least he can be pessimistic I wouldn't even be that I would just hide out on my own avoiding people. To the outside world she has made me confident, but to her, everything I do is wrong, I'm always a good person, but I'm not there enough, I don't keep her grounded enough, I'm certainly not spontaneous enough, I'm not exciting enough or at all, I'm a blank slate, I don't make decisions, I'm just not confident. What compounds all this is I'm always terrified of hurting her, of making her sad, or miserable, so I'm even shier and less decisive because of it.
So part of it (I'm not quite sure what it is here) is that she doesn't even know what i like because its always I want to do what you want to do, so:

WHAT Scott likes:
LIFE:
Diedre (yes you have been demoted to a subcategory)
cuddly things (raccoons, dogs, lemurs, bats, snails, lizards, plants)
social organisms (ants, wolves, bacteria, plants, human interactions (I'm amused although still hate people))
human cultures (religions, small scale societies, world cultures outside of this globalism)
EPICUREAN (bonus points if you know who or what that means and no not food):
easy going
simplicity
the lack of need
just being happy
ODD:
physics
different sets of physics
physiology and purpose
evolution and why
strategy
anomalies and how

FRIENDS:
NO idea why, I'm probably borderline the worst friend in all of existance yet I really really like my friends, and really want to keep them, yet I always make them 2nd, I never have time, I never can give a helping hand, I in general am that kid that just takes with out ever giving.

So ok why does Scott like dragons, no one seems to know, and those that I thought might are to smart to not be able to figure out what else that means I like.
DRAGONS:
lets start with life: they are large exciting animals, they have exciting interactions with each other and culture. Then we move on to odd, and heres where they really take off, first off you have to understand the different sets of physics, this involves taking reality and saying what if this is different, it makes magic really fun, because it allows for so many twists, although most magic is just a lack of constant physical laws, which is less interesting. SO you start with a modification of reality then you have these large semi-social organisms with a very unique physiology and it changes in every culture and version, as much as magic does from story to story, they have different reasons for every detail who uses which body parts for what purposes. They are a symbol in almost every culture and say so much about what they value fear everything. So yes the dragon doesn't have much that follows it in every step exactly, but most creatures in mythology lack the universality of dragons, but have so much of the rest of the excitement. Different cultures gods are great too.
But what I think a lot of the issue is, is I don't care for material things, I like things with meaning and/or purpose, so while she doesn't want trinkets, I could care less for spurring on the Earth's destruction, with more plastic, more anything and would rather see her happy. Now after saying this that doesn't mean her glass things she's made me I don't care for. Those have meaning she gets to dabble in some of the coolest pieces of physics she gets to modify glass, which is one of the coolest substances on earth, and after doing that she makes these symbols, that are like tefillin, they remind you of what humanity can do, of what physics is capable of, and what she makes is always something that puts hope back in humanity for me (not that all things she could make do just that all that she chooses to make does). Tefillin by the way is not about humanity.

So I guess my steam is gone for now. I'll go be emo later, now I need to just go bang my head a few more times against a wall until I screw up again, but in the mean time my banging my head against a wall will be in efforts with Burks and grad school. Yay me right

In an effort to dig up quotes Diedres name was saved on my email thing so to log in I had to click forget me, it was . . .an odd feeling

If you have any questions I'll answer them just if its personal leave an email

Quotes:

Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose.
          -- Alan Moore, Watchmen, 1986
Let the fear of danger be a spur to prevent it; he that fears not, gives advantage to the danger.
          -- Francis Quarles
respect yourself;

don't let anyone push you into something that's not you

You want confidence I'll show you confidence

You wouldn't like me when I'm confident

what Diedre would like me to post (didn't ask her)

If you really put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price. ~Author Unknown

Confidence comes not from always being right but from not fearing to be wrong. ~Peter T. Mcintyre