not ok

I'm not ok, I'm not anywhere close to ok, its not so much that I've been lying to everyone as I'm lying to me.
I know this doesn't belong in this blog, but for some reason I'm putting it here anyways. I'm not sure what to say, and then I'm not even sure who to talk to, to be honest I'm not even sure I can place which things are apart or how much apart of me being broken they are.

I mean David being gone, is defninitely my tipping point, and I really don't know what to do with out him, he was right he did take up lot of my time, but I never minded it, I live for that.

So now what do I live for, I benefit, no one, I cost most everyone, suicides not an option, realistically I know I'm going nowhere, at best I'll teach. I'm watching my life crumble, and its running out of ways to crumble.

On the plus side i reconnected with a lot of friends, met a few of david's have an Esther, to keep me company from way to far away, she's about as much of David as I have left. . . which is kind of weird. I could go into it, but I"m really burnt out at this point.

Bwehh I'm pathetic. . . at least right now, I'm left alone for 20 minutes and my whole head collapses.
But seriously I'm now taking pride in things 2 years ago would have been my shameful fall back plan.

So what do I do now? Who do I talk to? I guess thats why this is here, so someone might leave a comment and tell me, so it could be anonymous, or in person. . . but I know better there are a handful of people who may read this from time to time, but it could be me that died and no one would comment.

I mean I know David has friends and people that care, the funeral, his facebook, our shiva, the tons of support shows that, but I guess I thought someone on here would say something to.
I'm not sure why that matters to me, I guess because . . . I'm so broken that I'm relying on this blog to be the support I lack. I mean I have how many friends that say they are here for me and I' still can't figure out what the hell I"m doing.

or who to talk to, and I keep just thinking if I just had this. . . well really thats always the same thing, but if i just had that one thing I'ld be ok. I know I wouldn't be though. . .but it would be better right I'ld have to be. Right?

So I'm not sure if at this point i'm just disgusting or worthy of pitty, if I'm a villain or a bad attempt at a hero, if I'm unnoticeable or just quietly observed, but I'm here for the world to look on or ignore as they please, and I guess I will see where the future drags me.

This song got me through work today, it seemed so positive then and now it seems to eat on failure:

Don't blame me, you didn't get it x3
I already told you, falling is easy
it's getting up that becomes the problem
it's getting up that becomes the problem
If you don't think you can find a way out
you become the problem
you become the problem

Don't blame me, you didn't get it x3
I already told you, falling is easy
it's getting up that becomes the problem
it's getting up that becomes the problem
If you don't think you can find a way out
you become the problem
you become the problem

Don't blame me, you didn't get it x3
I already told you, falling is easy
it's getting up that becomes the problem
it's getting up that becomes the problem
If you think you can find a way out
you solve the problem
you solve the problem
STAIND
Don't blame me, you didn't get it
I already told you, falling is easy it's getting up that becomes the problem
If you don't think you can find a way out you become the problem

DAVID RIP

David passed away 10-16-10 Saturday morning. . . after we (DAVID, Chris, Char, and me) all hung out at Friday night magic having a blast the night before. Until today I haven't prayed at all or dreamed about him, but every morning woke up in horror.

10-21-10 Thursday was his funeral and he was finally laid to rest. I think I cried more yesterday than I did the 1st day. I finally was able to pray, and I had a dream about him. I don't know what it means

Mom was driving (I can't remember where from ,but it was the high school area maybe the city pool) it was really dark she almost hit someone in the street then the whole way home, (which seemed to be 90% sunset and like none of 528) dark shadowy figures (people) kept being in the road and she kept having to swerve to dodge them. Right before we got to the house I think still Sunset (the street), I'm not sure we ever hit 528, 2 figures i saw coming up jumped up to scare us(as always even seeing it ahead of time i kind of jumped). Then as i was getting to my room i can't remember if this is outside or inside a final shape jumps out to scare me its David so when i get to my room i turn around and jump out to scare him. I chase him pretty much to mom's room, and David vanishes (I thought into his room), I'm explaining to mom. Then Brandon from downstairs or the gameroom says (in this horrified voice) "he's dead. . . he's in the room". I'm horrified I run into the gameroom, so worried that David won't be ok (emotionally), I'm sure its his best friend (I don't think this was any person just a representation of everyone i considered his best friend) and not understanding how I missed him. When i get there suddenly the light is on enough to see him, first its a shadow, then when I look its David, slightly blue. I panic and can't figure out the sick joke, I can't figure out how he's in 2 places at once. I want to step back and check on David in his room, but I can't. I wake up, and I'm so confident David had a message for me. . . I just can't figure out what it is.

PS I'm hearing phantom things now, its getting pretty bad and I can't sleep what a surprise (although the fact i had more than 4 hours of sleep every night until tonight is surprising)

"It's because I'm Jewish" DAVID TYLER MANUSOV