Happier year

Happy New Year, so I figured I'ld do this blog thing again. Down sides instead of playing games with friends I talked to "annoyed" and "sad" and then "sad" became annoyed. But actually it was fun, although after 11 it became kind of boring, we went back to watching tv. which really became me watching tv because she fell asleep. But any how the relationship doesn't feel so dead any more, which makes me feel much happier. I'm not sure why or how, but she warmed up to me again, and it was actually before last night, but yeah. So hoping for a happier year, I guess thats my resolution to be happier this year. Tough to measure, and something that isn't really entirely my control, but I guess its a worthy resolution. Finally insight into what I realized are qualities I need? not sure the best way to word that. Anyhow it comes down to security, I don't really need someone supportive, or someone talented, or whatever else, although pretty helps, because I love telling girls their gorgeous, but have that issuing with being a miserable liar. And yes i just said I want a pretty girl not because of wanting to look at her, but because it makes her easier to compliment. But back to security when I don't have it, it puts me through my own private hell, so with security I guess thats honesty and stability. Ironically as I say this both girls I have dated seriously have been kind of lacking in these, and not so much that they outright lie. . . although that might be the case, but what they tell me isn't what i should do or follow. That might actually be a general girl thing, and not something I'm gonna leave Paola for, at least not unless it gets much worse, but that is what makes the difference between happy Scott and roller coaster Scott. OK so now after a vaguely short blog and a whatever tone you would call that some quotes for the new year. Ok so my hotmail account sucks, and is locked up again. so just some quotes i like "If your going through hell keep going" Winston Churchill "Not all who wander are lost" "just think" "I am demanding that death taking a short hiatus so I may recover, it can even just be a hiatus from those i know." Well for a better year at the end of the world TIKUN OLAM (points to any one who can tell me what that means)

listening to orders

So I was told its time to post again.
So here's some updates.
On the upside my brother graduated from the air force and is home again, he is now AGE. I'm pretty proud of him.
I also have finally accumulated some money. . . that I'm in the process of kissing good bye, because everyone is always right and has a perfect way and money has no value when I have it just value when my job isn't paying enough (sorry ranting at lots of people the most recent of which is Paola, but it wouldn't bother me so much if i hadn't heard it so many times before).

Ok so now for the whiny side of this, skip to quotes if you don't want to hear me whine. So I still have this fear of losing Paola, and I can't tell how much is paranoia and how much is her being. . . her. I'm not sure how much I can say she's really touchy about me saying anything about us to anyone. I assume she's got a double standard and tells her friends but I don't know. She's kind of secretive like that.
Ok so theres my whole freaking out about break up things.
Then theres coming back from a funeral, first off to close to David's but everything for the next 50 years will probably be to close and tear the hell out of me.
2ndly I got to realize how much of vultures my family is.
Immediatly after his funeral Janet started giving things away and going between handing stuff out, my aunts laying claim to things, and Janet saying nothing is leaving this house and by the end of the sentence offering someone something else.
Then she breaks Shiva (jewish mourning thing) all over the place (doesn't bother me, except giving me his jacket, but can't really wait a month or I won't be there to recieve it so it makes sense). Then my mom gets upset because [long story made shorter] they were saying a trip wasn't possible because "Bayonne (northern jersey) was New York", and my mom walked out so as not to explode [to be honest I was proud of her], now my grandfather has modified everything on that house, the doors included which swing close instead of going slowly. So they slammed behind her, after a minute my mom came back in and saw Janet there waiting and immediatly apologized, and half way through her sentence was cut off by "YOU WILL NOT SLAM DOORS IN THIS HOUSE ITS A SHIVA HOUSE" and then told my mom she'ld rather her not be here and she was glad my mom was gonna just stay outside. So I go to comfort my mom and help grab her stuff (coat, purse, etc.) and Janet asks me for a hug, and I ask her to please apologize to my mom, and she gives me a lecture about my mom won't listen and she needs to stop acting like a 3 year old, and I'm thinking won't listen, the whole reason she's angry is because she was listening and you wouldn't let her finish a single one of her last 10 sentences which is part of why she walked out originally).
Ok so after that we go to my moms side of the family dad and brandon go home.
My Great Aunt falls on her bday (high on valium [she forgot how many she took and mistaked the air in the wrong room for her bed]) so ends up in the hospital.
My mom keeps trying to get my grandma to take us there, and she's like but theres a big football game and so calls my mom's cousin (my great aunts son) and he says were not allowed to visit because he's there and it would just be to much. So then that night he goes back home, and my mom is livid that he told us not to visit and then won't be there for us to visit, she's like i'm in town how often and I wasn't asking you to change your plans for me just to let me visit when you were already there.
So more tears yay!!

So backing up a bit I initially wanted to go back with Brandon, but mom convinced me to stay to see my gma, even though everyone else was supposed to be busy to bother seeing me, that side of the family usually gives me such a wonderful feeling of being valued.
Anyhow she also got me to agree that if the flight were to have an option to take a flight the next day I should do that so we can get free stuff
So we finally get home and with 5 days left of break. I agree to help clean up the next day and go to sleep (skipping minor drama) and I wake up to be shouted at how messy stuff is. and at this point i'm starting to lose my cool while i was supporting my mom she consistently was putting me down at my gma's and not even realizing it, and then I get home and get this hell, after I've followed everything she said gave up most my break, and so she's yelling at me about something dad gave me back as we were trying to leave for our flight, about how its been there for months, and I yell back at her, before realizing its not what i thought it was but my dads that shes yelling at me for (yell is probably a vast over exaggeration). And she just laughs about it, I couldn't tell if it made me feel relieved or more pissed off.

So after all this and finally knowing i get to see Paola when she gets off work at 7 she never calls me, and first whines that I didn't call, and I was waiting for that I"m home call. so at 10:30 I do call her . . .hence finding this out. Then she says she's at a friends bday party. So I decide to eat dennys with Chris, having taken to long so everyone else went home.
By the way I LOVE CHRIS he may be the reason I haven't committed suicide yet. He is the awesomest friend ever, and no this is not sarcasm, this is an insane kid giving thanks to a fantastic friend.
Any how so then today PAola tells me I never made plans with her so she made other plans, yesterday hence the party, and I realize she's right I got back from my flight asked her when she worked and made the stupid assumption that it was obvious i intended to see her then, thinking she also wanted to see me. . . I guess 2 weeks wasn't enough space.
So today happy to finally see her, and not having half of those pessimistic thoughts yet, she seems a little distant, mentions she was angry with me, but the "beard" I"m growing for her makes it all go away, but the whole night I can't even get a kiss and so it has me being like crap its not just me being paranoid, what the hell did I do. Or I guess its more of a why the hell am I never enough for fucking any one, I do fucking everything I go out of my fucking way by 10 miles, I live the life I do so I can do shit like that, but I'm enough for fucking nobody.

OH I think my uncles lectures will make it on here another day . . . maybe. . . probably not, just ask me about it.

Oh and I guess for Robert and Chris they both seem to think I'm a good guy, maybe Charlotte and Keri too?

Ok one last paranoia and then quotes
SO I'm back in my hearing chris and charlotte hanging out again and can't figure out if I should invite myself or give them alone time, and so instead i literally sit there half the time looking at a logged out screen.

"I respect that you chose to be Jewish, and thats why I plan to let my children make that choice" me
"Nooo" Uncle Allen

"If you don't marry Jewish than 5 Thousand years of Judaism will die with you". Uncle Allen

"He who hesitates is last" last fortune on a fortune cookie

Dating 9/25/11

So this is supposed to let me date when we started dating and what not.
Ok so she first kissed me on the Friday that was Empire's anniversary, I'ld say funny story but I guess I"m not supposed to say stories and what not.
Then lets see that weekend I was up giving Brandon his car back. So those events should let me date it in the future.
So things have been great, wonderful, stupendous. I was feeling on top of the world, skip in my step. . .almost literally (by almost I mean that while I wasn't skipping I was actually running places again).
Then apparently today I messed up big. While I feel like I should be pleading for forgiveness and saying I"m sorry I also feel like to do that, I should at least not intend on skipping out on her again like this. But the problem is I would. . .

What did I do:
Her friend came into town who she intended to hang out with last night, but she went to the wrong place so instead of changing locations she hung out with a different friend and told me she'ld see me today.

Then when I asked if I should pick her up for super nerdom, she said no she was hanging out with her friend and I should go hang out with them, she told me the location when i had just finished driving from Pearland to League City . . . they were in "Pearland area". So I decided being that I ditched Chris last week, there are no sub dm's and I swore to myself that I would keep that as my self therapy (WHich has 2 sides one the goal is to keep it as regular as physically possible of time to just have mindless fun with bad jokes and friends, and 2 I also swore to myself that I needed to make sure I do stuff for me first, and not become a slave for the girl like I did with Diedre). Yes I realize I'm doing a lot of rationalizing but that's what I do, doubly so when I feel guilty. Although the reality is the same if that decision came up again I would feel shitty all over again and make the same mistake, its not like the game was really any fun, it was kind of like bouncing between forgetting the world and being endlessly anxious. I managed to finish by 10, but then didn't try to catch up because I felt like she no longer wanted me around.

Some other thoughts that I don't feel quite so free to say, but I guess it comes down to I'm not the person I used to be, and I still think I am; which has some interesting interactions when I see how my scars change my actions.


OK I guess time to go find some quotes and then I'll log off
"We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people".
-- Arthur Schopenhauer

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home".
-- Robert Orben

"Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd".
-- Allan Goldfein
Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.
-- Niels Bohr, to a young physicist

In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
-- Mogens Jallberg

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
-- Peter da Silva

The computer is a moron.
-- Peter Drucker
Do definite good; first of all to yourself, then to definite persons.
-- John Lancaster Spalding

How helpless we are, like netted birds, when we are caught by desire!
-- Belva Plain

date :-p

Ok for starters I'm not dating anyone (This is said for just the people who won't believe me when I say it). Although can't say I'm opposed to the idea, but Charlotte thinks I am, or should be, or just has fun taunting me, or somewhat of all 3 at once, about Paola. Then Paola can't figure out why I'm not dating other girls I've mentioned, most notably Amanda "wow she is cute, why aren't you dating her?", she's also tried a few times to get me to meet single friends of hers, I think she gave up when by coincidence I would randomly not be able to go hang out every time she tried that . . . it really was coincidence.

Anyhow writing this post cuz Charlotte is way ahead of me in posts.

Also my car situation is really sucking I literally spent about 5 hours on the phones yesterday to get a rental car that costed 1 dollar more than the job it let me work to cover it. I'm so glad my parents decided it was worth using my "free" rental. One of my students that owes me about 80 bucks has delayed her payment again . . .which is nearing a full month. I have 3 paychecks that I can't get to the bank because I can't keep a car long enough. I stopped studying and looking up grad schools and new volunteer stuff, and I can feel my hating to be me, returning.
It kind of pisses me off that I'm letting myself get back in this slump.

AND POLITICAL RANT:

And I don't want to study up who's who for the next election, plus I'm not sure I believe incumbents can lose, and I also don't think Obama's nearly as bad as most Texans say he is. They all seem stunned when you mention the new education stuff hes done, not that I'm saying I'm a huge fan just that he has his ups and downs and isn't necessarily the devil. . . I'm also really tired of hearing him called a socialist. . . I think anyone who was brave enough to really try and run socialist stuff I would actually support. . . he's not, using the government to support big business creates a problem for vocab since that's not capitalist or socialist, I call hyper capitalist since its supporting business but using government funds to do it. As opposed to pure capitalism which is better said by laissez faire, and socialism which would be the government spending money to produce the product themselves and/or encourage (or enforce) differing levels of distribution (such as taxing alcohol and cigarettes, or giving certain people discounts on food).
After saying that when it comes down to it I think things should be more capitalist than socialist, its just I'm so tired of hearing socialist=evil, the irony is the book i'm reading does that while the book also continually talks about how everything is a tool and good or evil is its user, socialism is no different, when people talk about schools, roads, ems, firefighters, police, they may think we pay to much for them, but I know very few people that think those socialist policies aren't beneficial.
For the healthcare thing he did, I'm still not sure all that happened with that and my stance on it is, the insurance company are corrupt and rich beyond belief, making much of a difference by attacking them with laws is a long hard battle that might be possible, but a far easier option the public option. . . look let the insurance agents do whatever they want that isn't blatant misleading the public and then say here's a minimum option we think everyone has a right to this much per month, these covered, and since this should be feasible to keep even it shouldn't cost the tax payers anything, also it doesn't hurt capitalism in that it adds to the invisible hand of competition rather than add barriers or remove competition. This minimal standard forces the competition to be at least as good as the government minimum, or market to morons, both which they will likely do and then no one has good reason to complain that insurance is unfair as long as they believe that the governments really is a minimum acceptable standard.
Also hearing that the people ahead of IRS will now be ahead of healthcare doesn't sound that terrifying to me, IRS does a fantastic job of taking my money (their job), if that's the argument I'ld imagine they'ld do a decent job with healthcare. . . I do have my worries how they'ld handle it but its not because of the IRS.

my quotes will be short today
"Who's Chris?" "The guy that didn't want you to kill[cut off]" "right"
"Who's Chris?" "The guy sitting next to Charlotte" "right"
"Who's Chris?" "The guy. . . "
"We can't find that we towed your car to Ron Carter"
"The last we have is we towed it to [Good Ole boys]" 2 hours later, well lets use that tow to get your rental car
"really we spent 3 hours when you could have used that one" Scott's thoughts to self

vanishing friends

Soo. . . this post is a post, of my friends feel all poofed and gone. Last few days no ones really responded to texts, or been online, and with my parents picking up fighting again, for some reason I'm really just feeling dead and trapped as of late. I really its just in my head, but I'm tired of things going wrong, I finally did something right. And every time I try to figure out I'm going to leave my house at about 2 to do something, my family keeps busy until 9 and then is like oh now you can have your day. . . and its like 2-9 is the only time I can socialize with out finding another person.
Like today Robert came into town, right before i got to sugarland and got to spring right as I was leaving.
I swear some otherworldly being hates me or finds me hilarious. . . possibly both. . . but I'm leaning on hilarious.
Ok my rant of vanishing friends i guess is over and my title of bweh shall be replaced by the current title you see.

"If your going through hell keep going" Winston Churchill
An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows.
-- Dwight D. Eisenhower

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them.
-- George Bernard Shaw, "Mrs. Warren's Profession" (1893) act II

When two men in business always agree, one of them is unnecessary.
-- William Wrigley Jr.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
-- Mitch Hedberg, Mitch All Together
Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.
-- Thomas Carlyle

Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity.
-- Horace Mann, address at Antioch College, 1859

Life is full of obstacle illusions.
-- Grant Frazier

No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.
-- Sam Rayburn

COLLISION of life

So I'm curious how things would be different in 6 months if I didn't come back yesterday. I think my goal is to see how much I can make things change in 6 months. If I move out. . . which with out winning the lottery seems impossible I think nothing will be the same as it was 2 years ago. My family's different, my parents are different my brothers are both out of reach. My distance(emotional) to my friends has drastically changed. My room is different. My outlook on life is different, and I guess things that are the same, I'm still confused, I'm still using this (rarely), I'm sure there's more . . . I'm still close to underweight??
Anyhow I figured I'ld update this. (WOW this was short)
PS by the way Brandon is now in the airforce (for almost 3 weeks now)
Quotes:
"Live every day like its your last"
"What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do".
-- Bob Dylan
"In your clothes avoid too much gaudiness; do not value yourself upon an embroidered gown; and remember that a reasonable word, or an obliging look, will gain you more respect than all your fine trappings".
-- Sir George Savile, 'Advice to a Daughter,' 1688

"The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear".
-- Aung San Suu Kyi

"If you're afraid to let someone else see your weakness, take heart: Nobody's perfect. Besides, your attempts to hide your flaws don't work as well as you think they do".
-- Julie Morgenstern, O Magazine, April 2004

DAVID'S LEGACY

It's been awhile since I last posted, and I'm exhausted, burnt out, and trying to calm myself before I start my next bout of tutoring. David's Legacy Walk was yesterday it was fantastic. My event started a little rough mostly because Games2U showed up late, but everything else worked flawlessly. We raised 1000 dollars off just the raffle, and the last total I heard is we collected $19,000 something dollars. 7-8000 of that was raised yesterday, and there was someone from a Vietnamese Finance company that told me dad he'ld match what we made that day. That will put us over the 25,000 dollar goal we had. I'm a little stunned!!!
I was just a co-director of an event that produced 25K dollars, in a couple of months. That's exciting, bragging rights, and depressing considering I'm still 50k dollars in debt despite all of this. I just got turned down from another exciting job dismorning. And now that the event is over I found myself balling in the car for the last few minutes.
I want David back! I want a shoulder to cry on!, Hell I want to be not a failure, but I guess all of those are out of the question, so thank you electronic blog for being my outlet. I really should stop by David's grave stone again.
Those of you still reading we are still accepting donations. Thanks so much to all those who helped, it was awesome.

Anyhow I'm now about to going back to pretending nothing's wrong with David being dead, and that I have a future and that things are really just ok.

pseudo-family

This is a list of poeple that i have considered family but aren't related to me by blood its a recently realized sort of large list, and I'm going to start trying to list them in order that i thought of them this way.

Kyle
Keli
Amanda
Amy
Ginny
Cheryl (parent)
Keri
Rick (parent)
Mrs. B (parent)
Sammy
Judea (parent)
Amanda (APO) (we jump from really young to college)
Charlotte
Chris
Esther

Bestfriends that always held a friend spot instead of a sibling but i'ld rely on them just as much
John Brown, (Martin, Dev),Brian, Robert, Kevin, Jason, Kyle, and MAtt

2011 ACE (resolution)

Thank the lord 2010 is over, my year of hell. And Oh Fuck its January. . . where it all started, January 4th to be exact, then the 14th, then the 25th (I think), then the 29th (or was it the 28th). Then came February, I'm not sure I can deal with another winter, its not really my season. I don't like cold, my luck is at its worst, and while I don't like to believe in luck but for some reason or another I do my worst in the winters.
The last one cost me a fiance' a future and a paycheck, but thats ok because I'ld do it again my whole January pretty much the same. As much as a pushover as I seem, I can be stubborn when I've made up my mind, and about all those things I lost . . . I did. Ironically there are few other things I have made my mind up about, and most of those I'm not sure I'm confident in any more.

One of the few things I am confident in, is my family and friends are more important to me than anything, and while I pretty much doubt everything else, this one thought has been reinforced beyond what I'm about to give you a metaphor for.

Today was one of those days I was really afraid to let my friends go home, where you want to beg them to stay for just another minute, but you know you shouldn't. To be honest I kind of did, but made it sound like a joke, but it had to be they couldn't really stay.


Anyhow I guess my new years resolution is: To have a better year than last year
At this point I just want a success that can bring happiness. Not much else matters. So here's a big fuck you to the world. and after a deep breath, I begin my work tonight "the same thing we do every night pinky, try to take", , , I mean try to fix this world TIKUN OLAM, its what I live for.

Pinky: "Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world!"
If you walk away, I'll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don't want to risk our paths crossing some day
So you walk that way, I'll walk this way Bright Eyes


The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
-- Margo Kaufman

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
-- Miss Piggy

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
-- Oscar Wilde
Appetite, with an opinion of attaining, is called hope; the same, without such opinion, despair.
-- Thomas Hobbes

Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything.
-- Eugene Delacroix


I am more and more convinced that our happiness or unhappiness depends more on the way we meet the events of life than on the nature of those events themselves.
-- Alexander Humboldt
Don't let your sorrow come higher than your knees.
-- Swedish Proverb

Even the best of friends need time apart.
-- Mark Heath, Spot the Frog, 09-09-05

I began to have an idea of my life, not as the slow shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes, but as the gradual discovery and growth of a purpose which I did not know.
-- Joanna Field

You've got to make a conscious choice every day to shed the old - whatever 'the old' means for you.
-- Sarah Ban Breathnach

It's what

i don't know

So I'm here updating this blog, and I don't know what I'm saying, and worse yet I don't know who I'm talking to. I should be happy? I'm about to leave for Austin, I am starting my search for schools back up, the scheduling is going perfectly. Even Dr. Allen is offering me a hand (by the way is his kid is incredibly cute).
but I'm crying again
My mom just said it's funny because its exactly 2 months since he died. She's talking to David's speech teacher that's dropping off his last speech. I was doing ok at first, and then I really just wanted to talk to someone and this is the part that hurts me, I know i have a ton of friends i could. Charlottes gonna whine at me for not just calling her, Chris has been there non stop for me over the last god knows when. Robert, Kevin, Keri, Ginny, Ari, Diedre the list keeps going, but no I'm here writing in this blog because in my head for some reason I won't talk to any of them right now. and now i've gotta go cuz i have to listen to that speech with mom
"Live well" me

Hannukah

This is my first Hannukkah with out David here in person, in 16 years. Also the most I've probably cried, on a Channukah, or rather the only time i've cried on hanukah (I'm running out of ways to spell that). I got my emails out to NAU finally, ok to the positive stuff.

I've gotten my first positive emails in the last year this last Friday. The first was from Armand Bayou, it told me that when i wanted to get certified to do trails, was a stewardship event to remove talo trees, and that at the later part of that was a prescribed burn training. I had to put off my official trail guide for that training and got to do some talo tree removal and acorn (white oaks) planting. That was 2 days ago (Saturday), it was fun and Kevin and Robert were both in town, for pretty much no reason, and hung out with me. I feel like i missed something but supposebly its random and not uncommon (news to me).
Anyhow the second email was less exciting but to make up for my loss of hours they are giving me floor training this coming saturday which i thought i needed a teaching certificate to qualify for. But apparently i'm good enough a tutor to tutor everyone in everything, so I'm getting expanded again, which means more hours.

Nerd report: I made my first designed magic the gathering deck, and wasted 15 dollars on it money I don't really have if i skip 2 meals i should be able to make it up, no but seriously after my car picked up now 4 issues in the last week, I"m not sure i can keep up with my loan and I just caught back up.

You can pray for someone even if you don't think God exists.
-- Real Live Preacher, RealLivePreacher.com Weblog, July 7, 2003

When a miracle happens, even if not to you, its nature is to naturally expand. You can almost feel the warmth on your face.
-- Hugh Elliott, Standing Room Only weblog, 06-02-04

ok before i cry and anything else let me find a quote
Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it. Plan more than you can do, then do it.
-- Anonymous

realization-religious

So, I have a title I plan to remember the realization by the end of this post. I may have to turn off the music, so in the mean time I'll post some stuff about my life. To start:
Dreams
So I haven't really had good dreams, for a long time, I mean there had been a few before "the Saturday". But even before then it was pretty rare, but the night before last night, I dreamt of kissing Heather, and her whining that I needed to shave cuz I was all scraggly, it was kind of funny. . . . SO that will probably never really happen, anyhow, away from sad thoughts so new topic.

So sort of near dreams my moms friend made the claim that my waking up every hour an a half that I've done since at least high school, is from nightmares, which I really don't believe, I'm fairly certain thats my REM cycle ending and me being a light enough sleeper to wake up.
Anyhow how that conversation started is sort of an interesting story. So for 2 days in a row i averaged 3 hours of sleep knowing that after work I would get to sleep for awhile, so when I get back at 11:20AM I lay down at 11:30 my mom's friend Mary comes over and says ok Scott were going.
I'm confused and ask "ok where?"
Mary's response: "I don't know, Galveston??"
me:"that sounds nice"
Mary: "ok then Galveston it is"
Those aren't actually quotes i greatly shortened the conversation becuase in the midsst of the i don't know and glaveston line was yelling across the house trying to get my mom to go without giving her an option to a place we didn't know so we could get out of the house and not be depressed. NOw later in the day I was supposed to give back David's friend's gamecube and fill out an application.
So we head to Galveston pick up my mom's friend Anna who likes to hit on me, oddly always makes me feel a little better even if she is late 40's early 50's, I think. So we eat in Galveston then decide to go visit Amy (mary's daughter, sort of a sister to me). I learn on the way there she has no idea were coming and so we call and learn she has a date but, were welcome to come and visit with her before the date and stay at the house while she's gone. So we stay its great to talk to Amy again, she tells her son Mikey that I'm "uncle Scott" (there were thoughts rushing through my head from that point on until the end of the night). I realize i really need to visit more often if i have a nephew. . . and its Amy I do need to see both sisters more. So we realize its getting late and Mary doesn't like to sleep so we make a compromise if she takes us home she sleeping on the way there and we'll wake her before she needs to leave or she's taking us to her home so she can get some sleep. We end up at her place, and we try to clean it in the morning for her. Then we shoot for one ihop, its to crowded, so we drive most the way home and stop at another. Eat go home, expeditions over i mostly sleep forget to turn in an application and about the gamecube

Today did the application waiting to call for the gamecube but Burks already whined at me for not having that application in.

OK so back to the realization ok so I was musing over thoughts that are probably pretty sacreligious, one of my realizations i hit was how I relgion is very jewish, but not neccesarily what I religion. How I pray, how I treat religion, how I believe, but what i think of god, what i hold sacred, what i do. . . is all originated from jewishish type things but have departed a bit, some more than others.
One of these thoughts its about God, I don't neccesarily believe he/she's neccesarily so benevolent,or rather mature, but almost childish in a sense, above our plane of reality, we are to god like characters in a book are to us, there not really real, and their strife may be worth worrying about but its certainly not as important as ours, and whether the goal is for a happy ending, entertainment, or teaching a lesson, there is almost always suffering even if the writer could prevent it. I think i'm getting further rather than closer to my realization now. but at least your getting an idea on my beliefs.
Also things i said that didn't seem to go together doesn't mean I think they do I was just hinting at other parts of my beliefs. OK so swing 2 at my realization ok so I think i've gone through the book line of thought to many times, for there to be anything knew so I'm going to creator line of thought. Ok so you have this all powerful all knowing being, with nothing. So in this position there are 2 options to make something or not, if they choose not the options are still there until the other option is taken, so lets assume eventually being makes something, likely for entertainment i mean its all powerful with nothing to occupy it but itself. We'll call this something the universe it includes the angels, and everything. Maybe the being was cautious maybe not, maybe it made things ovedient to its everywill (jewish definition of angels) or maybe it didn't, maybe it would make majestic structures, and maybe it would make laws of gravity. . . but the most interesting thing seems to me would be to create mini beings that acted on "their own will" they need goals to be interesting otherwise they may just do nothing, these goals could be created at the same time as creating a mechanism to keep them maintained if they were capable of degrading yet strove not to, this would also be known as desire for life with a capacity for death. This as a more random seeming structure may be advantageous to just protecting the good, which is an odd term for a being who just created a universe for amusement, which would probably entail the people being more amusing or proving a success of a goal the super being attempted, which seems sort of lacking since the super being could only fail if he limited his own knowledge, in attempting a goal, its like trying to run a mile in 20 minutes we know we can do it but if we handicap are selves enough it might be a challenge. The life death system i think may have been the realization. Anyhow i'm about to get picked up for food so om noms I go i'll update quote later.

not ok

I'm not ok, I'm not anywhere close to ok, its not so much that I've been lying to everyone as I'm lying to me.
I know this doesn't belong in this blog, but for some reason I'm putting it here anyways. I'm not sure what to say, and then I'm not even sure who to talk to, to be honest I'm not even sure I can place which things are apart or how much apart of me being broken they are.

I mean David being gone, is defninitely my tipping point, and I really don't know what to do with out him, he was right he did take up lot of my time, but I never minded it, I live for that.

So now what do I live for, I benefit, no one, I cost most everyone, suicides not an option, realistically I know I'm going nowhere, at best I'll teach. I'm watching my life crumble, and its running out of ways to crumble.

On the plus side i reconnected with a lot of friends, met a few of david's have an Esther, to keep me company from way to far away, she's about as much of David as I have left. . . which is kind of weird. I could go into it, but I"m really burnt out at this point.

Bwehh I'm pathetic. . . at least right now, I'm left alone for 20 minutes and my whole head collapses.
But seriously I'm now taking pride in things 2 years ago would have been my shameful fall back plan.

So what do I do now? Who do I talk to? I guess thats why this is here, so someone might leave a comment and tell me, so it could be anonymous, or in person. . . but I know better there are a handful of people who may read this from time to time, but it could be me that died and no one would comment.

I mean I know David has friends and people that care, the funeral, his facebook, our shiva, the tons of support shows that, but I guess I thought someone on here would say something to.
I'm not sure why that matters to me, I guess because . . . I'm so broken that I'm relying on this blog to be the support I lack. I mean I have how many friends that say they are here for me and I' still can't figure out what the hell I"m doing.

or who to talk to, and I keep just thinking if I just had this. . . well really thats always the same thing, but if i just had that one thing I'ld be ok. I know I wouldn't be though. . .but it would be better right I'ld have to be. Right?

So I'm not sure if at this point i'm just disgusting or worthy of pitty, if I'm a villain or a bad attempt at a hero, if I'm unnoticeable or just quietly observed, but I'm here for the world to look on or ignore as they please, and I guess I will see where the future drags me.

This song got me through work today, it seemed so positive then and now it seems to eat on failure:

Don't blame me, you didn't get it x3
I already told you, falling is easy
it's getting up that becomes the problem
it's getting up that becomes the problem
If you don't think you can find a way out
you become the problem
you become the problem

Don't blame me, you didn't get it x3
I already told you, falling is easy
it's getting up that becomes the problem
it's getting up that becomes the problem
If you don't think you can find a way out
you become the problem
you become the problem

Don't blame me, you didn't get it x3
I already told you, falling is easy
it's getting up that becomes the problem
it's getting up that becomes the problem
If you think you can find a way out
you solve the problem
you solve the problem
STAIND
Don't blame me, you didn't get it
I already told you, falling is easy it's getting up that becomes the problem
If you don't think you can find a way out you become the problem

DAVID RIP

David passed away 10-16-10 Saturday morning. . . after we (DAVID, Chris, Char, and me) all hung out at Friday night magic having a blast the night before. Until today I haven't prayed at all or dreamed about him, but every morning woke up in horror.

10-21-10 Thursday was his funeral and he was finally laid to rest. I think I cried more yesterday than I did the 1st day. I finally was able to pray, and I had a dream about him. I don't know what it means

Mom was driving (I can't remember where from ,but it was the high school area maybe the city pool) it was really dark she almost hit someone in the street then the whole way home, (which seemed to be 90% sunset and like none of 528) dark shadowy figures (people) kept being in the road and she kept having to swerve to dodge them. Right before we got to the house I think still Sunset (the street), I'm not sure we ever hit 528, 2 figures i saw coming up jumped up to scare us(as always even seeing it ahead of time i kind of jumped). Then as i was getting to my room i can't remember if this is outside or inside a final shape jumps out to scare me its David so when i get to my room i turn around and jump out to scare him. I chase him pretty much to mom's room, and David vanishes (I thought into his room), I'm explaining to mom. Then Brandon from downstairs or the gameroom says (in this horrified voice) "he's dead. . . he's in the room". I'm horrified I run into the gameroom, so worried that David won't be ok (emotionally), I'm sure its his best friend (I don't think this was any person just a representation of everyone i considered his best friend) and not understanding how I missed him. When i get there suddenly the light is on enough to see him, first its a shadow, then when I look its David, slightly blue. I panic and can't figure out the sick joke, I can't figure out how he's in 2 places at once. I want to step back and check on David in his room, but I can't. I wake up, and I'm so confident David had a message for me. . . I just can't figure out what it is.

PS I'm hearing phantom things now, its getting pretty bad and I can't sleep what a surprise (although the fact i had more than 4 hours of sleep every night until tonight is surprising)

"It's because I'm Jewish" DAVID TYLER MANUSOV